Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Oh No, A Mexican!

Me: Yeah, so Egypt ordered all of the pigs in the country to be slaughtered.

Dave: Why!?

Me: Because of the Swine Flu.

Dave: What does the Swine Flu have to do with pigs?

Me: Where do you think the name, "Swine Flu" comes from?

Dave: It doesn't come from pigs, it comes from Mexicans.

Me: No. It started in Mexico but from pigs.

Dave: No it didn't. It comes from Mexicans and they're going to start calling it the Mexican Flu so there's no more confusion.

Me: Oh really?

Dave: That's what I heard.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Because Fecal Matters

Me: Jesus fucking christ is it too much to ask that our bathroom has soap!? It's been months - and I know the bathroom is cleaned at least once a week by a cleaning crew!

Dave: You're obsessed with washing your hands. I don't believe in that washing your hands crap.

Me: What the fuck does that have to do with anything? We're paying through the nose for this office space and they could at least provide soap in the common bathrooms - and maybe work on getting rid of the fucking cockroaches.

Dave: Whatever, you're obsessed.

Me: Why!? Because I want to wash my hands after wiping my ass!?

Dave: What? You wanna touch your ass and soap it up? Lube it up? Gettin' ready for deep penetration?

Me: You're so fucking weird.

Dave: Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Semper Todd

Me: Jesus Christ I'm due for a haircut. I'm kinda holding off because I went to a barber last time and he made me look hideous. I need to start going back to the stylist.

Dave: I don't know why you don't go to a barber. I go to a barber.

Me: Yeah, but you don't care about how you look.

Dave: Heh heh heh heh, I think I look good; and so does my girlfriend.

Me: Oh, the one who won't marry you?

Dave: Shut up!


Me: Yeah, so again I'm insane. I walked down the block to the new barber and there was one person ahead of me. The desk guy told me I'd have to wait 30 minutes so I told him I'd come back. He panicked and tried to get me to reconsider. He then said it would only be 20 minutes but I assured him that I didn't have that kind of time. As I'm walking out he tried to get me to make an appointment but I just walked out the door.

Dave: My barber only does cuts by appointment. He's a former marine.

Me: Yeah, you've told me about that guy.

Dave: Yeah, I think he's a total fag.

Me: I'm surprised you allow him to cut your hair.

Dave: Eh, he's alright. He just loves to hug me a lot.

Me: Maybe he likes you.

Dave: No! He knows better.

Me: Are you sure?

Dave: I hope so.

Me: So do I.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Blowing With The Winds Of Change

We have one female land surveyor and that's actually rare for the industry. She's from eastern Europe and a great surveyor - a terrible coworker but a great surveyor. She's ready to be a PLS and I'm not and I give her her due.

She's mainly an office worker but goes out in the field when needed. When she has to go out in the field she changes into field clothes and Dave can't help but be a pig and talk about it nonstop for days later.

Following is at least the third time he referenced the female coworker during a day she had to go out in the field. This stream of consciousness is similar to the others but even more offensive and it occured yesterday (4/22/09).

Dave: The other day she came out of the ladies' room in a tank and her tits were just like there. Her high beams were on. I just stared at her funbags and she was making that motion with her head that, "Hey, look at my eyes when I talk to you," ha ha ha. I always picture her as a dirty foreign girl; doesn't shave and has a big fucking bush like *pantamimes testicles the size of honeydew melons* BAM!!! ha ha ha. She doesn't shave. Doesn't shower. Doesn't use deoderant. I'd still fuck her, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Me: She does fucking stink, I'll give you that.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

If It Quacks Like A Goose

There's a Canadian Goose couple that hangs out near our job site. They're there every day and I'm guessing they're protecting their eggs.

Dave: Hey look, the ducks are back! Hi duckies! Oh the mother is so pregnant. Look at her. She's gotta give birth any day now.

Me: *snort* Is she carrying a litter?

Dave: Looks it.

Me: So ducks get pregnant now?

Dave: Uh, uh, I know they have eggs.

Me: Do the eggs grow inside of them?

Dave: I don't know. I've never really thought about it.

Me: Obviously.

Monday, April 20, 2009

A Beautiful Mind

Dave: Y'know, most people tend to view me as stupid.

Me: You don't say.

Dave: Yeah, but it's all an act.

Me: No way.

Dave: That way I have the advantage. They let their guard down and then, BAM! I hit them when they're not looking, heh heh heh.

Me: That's amazing.

Dave: Yeah they never see it com........ AWWWWW. I locked us out of the van again.

Me: What the fuck is your problem!!!? That's the third fucking time you've done this today.

Dave: Awwww, I'm just a big dummy!

Me: Yeah! You are!

Dave: Awww! I'll break in again.

Me: Don't fucking do that again! Seriously! How many fucking times are you going to do this!?

Dave: I won't do it again.

(Editor's note: Dave continued to lock us out of the van at least 30 times or more in the following months.)

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Catholics........ FROM MARS!!!

Worker #3: So, our coworker is Catholic?

Me: Yeah he is.

Worker #3: When we were eating lunch on Friday he said, "I wonder what my wife made me for lunch. I hope she remembered not to put meat in my sandwich."

Me: His wife makes his lunch? How nice. Did he have meat?

Worker #3: No. He had peanut butter and jelly.

Me: When he got married he had to go on some Catholic retreat before they'd allow them to get married. I have to remember to tone down my anti-Catholic rants around him. The whole ritual thing is such a joke. Not eating meat on Fridays only during Lent? It used to be year round and the reason behind the eating fish is that the poor couldn't afford meat and had to eat fish. Fish is more expensive now so it's stupid. They're also supposed to fast on Fridays to show humility and empathy with the poor who can't afford to eat. It's lost its purpose and now it's just mindless robots following commands.

Dave: I consider myself a Catholic but I don't believe in god... or going to church.

Me: You don't believe in god? Why the fuck do you consider yourself a Catholic?

Dave: It's just the way I was raised. I only go to church for christmas and easter. I don't take communion or nothing.

Me: As you're not supposed to because you're divorced.

Dave: I know.

Me: And you don't believe in god?

Dave: I believe god was a martian.

Me: Ha!

Worker #3: Martian?

Me: Someone from Mars. An alien.

Worker #3: Oh, ok. Ha ha ha.

Dave: He walked on water. No human can walk on water.

Me: This reminds me of a joke.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Some Of Dave's Best Friends Are

Dave: Do you think Worker #3 goes home and tells his wife how prejudiced and racist I am?

Me: I'm pretty sure he doesn't tell her anything.

Dave: You know I'm just kidding, I'm not prejudiced against anyone....... except black people.

Me: Ha, ok.

Dave: I have legitmate reason to hate them.

(remaining portion redacted - it's finally too bad)

Thursday, April 16, 2009

One For The Road

The radio reported that the new WTC tower (or one of them) won't be completed until 2030.

Dave: 2030? I won't be around to see it. It's 25 years away and if I'm still alive I won't be with it.

Me: Heh heh heh.

Dave: Hey, if you were in that building when it started to come down what do you think would be going through your mind?

Me: Hmmm, most likely..

Dave: Because I'll tell you what would be going through my mind. I'd be looking for a woman to rape. I'd find the hottest piece of ass there and I'd chase her all over the office, ha ha ha. "Come here ya bitch! Don't fight it, you're gonna enjoy it," ha ha ha.

Me: What the fuck dude?

Dave: Ha ha ha ha.

Me: I was just gonna say that I would be in panic and maybe start believing in god.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

They Can Have My Teabags When They Pry Them From My Cold, Dead, Hands

Around lunch time we were trying to drive through the worst fucking intersection in Boston for ignorant, selfish, and clueless pedestrians (Summer St and Surface Rd) when I noticed one female in the herd carrying a large tea bag sign - something about irresponsible government spending or something. My window being down I began to yell out to the tea bagger (to make a scene and also draw my coworkers' attention).

Me: Tea Baggers! Heeeey, Tea Baggers!

Dave: What?

Me: Tea Baggers. Because it's Tax Day these fucking loony tunes are organizing "tea parties" to protest the government and taxes. And it's fucking hilarious that they're calling each other tea baggers, and they keep saying, "I can't wait to tea bag fellow Republicans."

Dave: Why?

Me: Tea bagging is slang for a sex act. It means sucking on someone's balls.

Worker #3: Ok.

Dave: I agree with them. I'm sick of paying taxes. They should get rid of taxes and give everyone guns.

Me: What the fuck!? What the fuck does one have to do with the other!?

Dave: Get rid of the government. Let everyone govern themselves with guns.

Me: Ok, then why not give everyone a free donut. That makes about as much sense.

Dave: We can do that.

Hopes And Dreams

Last night an escort in Boston (who advertised on CL) was killed in her hotel room. The police noted that the attack and video of the suspect appeared to match another attack on an escort (who also advertised on CL) a short time ago.

Dave: So what, there's a serial killer knocking off hookers?

Me: Huh? There's more than one body?

Dave: Yeah, that's what they just said.

Me: I wasn't paying attention. It's been a while since we had our own serial killer around here. Awesome.

Dave: That guy's living the dream. I'd love to be a serial killer of hookers instead of doing this shit.

Me: What!? HA HA HA HA!

Worker #3: Oh my god! HA HA HA!

Dave: I know, I'm horrible.... but it would be fun though.

Me: You're not getting any younger Dave.

Dave: I know.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Dave's Not Gay!

Friday, 4/10/09

We've been doing some back-breaking labor over the last few months digging bounds and as such, my muscles (arms especially) are getting big and defined.

Me: My muscles are getting really ripped doing this. My arms are getting bigger; more defined.

Dave: My main muscle is getting bigger, heh heh heh heh.

Me: *rolls eyes* What muscle is that?

Dave: This one! *tugs twice on his crotch* All veiny and bulging.

Me: Are you coming onto me?

Dave: NO!!

Me: Good.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Good Friday

Today we drove past a basketball court in Chinatown with a bunch of Chinese kids playing ball.

Dave: Oh yeah, today's a holiday. They have today off because of Passover.

Me: It's Good Friday, Dave.

Dave: No, it's Passover.

Me: I didn't know the Jewish faith was popular in China.

Dave: It's not, that's why it's so funny, ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Me: It's Good Friday you know. The stock market is closed too. It's one of the few holidays they get.

Dave: I know. I'm gonna eat fish... or pussy that tastes like fish.

Me: Wow

Thursday, April 9, 2009

El Scorcho

Not too much material today but Dave did have a discussion about his wanting to marry his girlfriend and her not feeling the same.

Dave: Yeah, I want to marry her but she doesn't want to marry me.

Worker #3: I told you, get the diamond ring. Get down on your knees and ask her - she will not say no.

Dave: I'll put it on my dick and tell her to get on her knees. I'll tell her to suck my dick and say, "Hey, there's a surprise for you down there."

Me: What size are her fingers?

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Legal Cat Baths

During lunch today I was reading the paper and was on the article about Vermont's marriage equality victory. There was a picture of 3 women with at least one crying.

Dave: What are you reading about?

Me: Vermont legalized gay marriage yesterday.

Dave: Why is that woman crying?

Me: Um, why do you think she's crying?

Dave: Because she's so happy she can now legally lick pussy.

Me: I'm pretty sure she already could lick pussy legally.

Dave: No, you just said it yourself they couldn't do it until yesterday.

Me: They don't have to be married to lick pussy.

Dave: Wasn't Massachusetts one of the first states to do that?

Me: Mass was the first state to permit gay marriages. Vermont was the first state to issue civil unions.

Dave: What's the difference? Couldn't they lick pussy under both?

Me: Well, aside from the name - you know, separate but equal - there are roughly 1,537 (don't know the number off hand so just roughed it) federal rights that are not recognized. Just think, say she owns her own home and lives with her parter. Say she dies and wants her partner to inherit her house. Because the government won't recognize their relationship her family could step in to claim the house and...

Dave: Good! They should take the house.

Me: Y'know, some people really shouldn't have children.

Worker #3: Ha ha ha.

Dave: Why?

Me: Because of what they'll teach them.

Dave: I don't believe in gay marriage.

Me: Of course you don't.

Can You Hard On Now?

When someone needs to call Dave they call me - because Dave leaves his phone in the vehicle (his car or the van). This morning I received a call from the boss and he wasn't in a good mood. One of the reasons he was in a bad mood was because he had to call me to talk to Dave. Dave blamed the boss for never carrying his phone with him.

Dave: What the fuck does he want me to do!? They give me a clip phone without a clip and the thing makes me look like I have a hard on. (Editor's note: Dave destroyed his personal phone and has been using a company phone ever since) They need to give me one with speaker phone and they won't even tell me the password for the voicemail so how the fuck am I to get my messages!? (Editor's note: Dave apparently can't use a regular phone and can only communicate via speaker phone - no conversation is private with him. He also never asked for the password.) Sure, he can have a Blackberry but I have to have this piece of shit phone. He needs to buy me a better phone.

Me: Or...... you can stop being difficult.

Worker #3: Ha ha ha ha.

Dave: How am I being difficult!!!? What am I supposed to do!? Put it in my pocket and walk around with a big, fucking, happy, homo, hard on!!?

Me: Just keep your fucking phone on you and this won't be an issue.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Foreigners Are To Blame For One's Lot In Life

Dave: I was at the pharmacy the other day and this guy in front of me got two bags full of prescriptions and y'know what his co-pay was? Zero! I have to pay $40 for one medicine. This guy is like 60 and retired and he's only worked like 8 years in his life. And he was getting these meds to sell - I felt like reporting him. Foreigners get everything for free while guys like me get screwed. I live paycheck to paycheck and they get to freeload on my hard work.

Worker #3: What!? I'm a foreigner!

Dave: Yeah, foreigners are what's wrong with this country. They should all be rounded up and executed. Nazi, rah, rah.

Worker #3: Oh my god! They work twice as hard and get paid far less!

Dave: Yeah, that's what's wrong. They keep undercutting us and they're lazy. I think all people found here illegally should be put in front of a firing squad and shown on national television. That will send a message.

Me: Oh, oh, the ignorance!


Me: *texts key words to help write this blog*

Worker #3: I don't think you should post this.

Me: Why?

Worker #3: It's just too bad.

Me: Eh, we'll see.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Non-Kosher De-Hoodieing

Dave: I got 19 turkeys for Obeson's First Communion.

Me: Wow, that's a lot of turkeys.

Dave: Hey, if you have kids are you going to raise them Catholic?

Me: Oh, hell no. Fuck no.

Worker #3: Ha, ha, ha.

Me: I ain't having them baptized or any of that shit. Fuck that.

Dave: Are you going to have them circumcised?

Me: I don't know. That kinda seems barbaric.

Dave: It's just one more thing to wash.

Me: And I don't even know how to teach my kid how to clean it.

Dave: The people who don't get circumcised have the same doctors as pigs.

Worker #3: What!? I'm not circumcised. Am I a pig?

Dave: They're pigs.

Worker #3: What's wrong with this guy? I'm a pig? Should they round us up and put us down?

Sunday, April 5, 2009


Every day we meet at Dave's parking spot near the highway and it's usually at the same time some woman parks next to Dave. Dave chats her up every day and Friday was no exception.

Worker #3: Who's that?

Dave: Just some woman.

Worker #3: Do you know her?

Dave: No, I just want to lick her pussy.

Worker #3: Ha!

Dave: Actually, I want to see how she shaves. Does she have the Hitler or the Telly Savalas. Or maybe she has the back woodsman; all bushy and gross. One time I was with this girl when I pulled down her panties her bush was all like BOOM!! I got the shaving cream and scccrrrrrr and broke out my razor, ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Me: This is brilliant.

Dave: What?

Me: Nothing.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Death Comes Ripping

Dave: Whenever I get diagnosed with cancer I'm going after the people on my death list. They're coming with me.

Worker #3: Ha, am I on your death list?

Dave: No.

Me: What about me?

Dave: No.

Me: I know, it's -redacted-. It's gotta be -redacted-.

Dave: No, I only have 2 people on the list. I'm gonna make them suffer.

Me: C'mon Dave you gotta make it count.

Worker #3: Ha, ha. Yeah, make it count.

Dave: No, just those two.

Friday, April 3, 2009

400 Fucking Pounds Of Ding

Today, Dave retold a story I've heard a few times after we were discussing Worker #3's door dings on his personal vehicle.

Dave: I pulled into Walmart once and I'm sitting there in my truck which I just had painted for (some ungodly sum). I feel a bang, and my truck shakes. And then another bang and my truck shakes again. Then bang again and now I get out to see what's going on. There's this big, fat, fucking 400 pound bitch trying to get out of her car. I said, "What the fuck are you doing?" and she said, "I'm going to shop at Walmart." Well I almost lost my fucking mind. I showed her the dings on my truck and she turned around and walked into Walmart. I called 911. The police came and while they were filing the report she came back and they questioned her. She said she didn't do that damage but I had her charged. When I told her what I paid for the paint job she said, "Well it's your fault for paying so much." I got the whole side repainted and blamed her for some other areas, heh, heh, heh. I wanted to say, "WHY THE FUCK DID YOU PARK HERE WHEN YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN PARKED IN THE GRAZING AREA YOU FUCKING COW!" I actually held back because I had my daughter with me. If she wasn't there my eyes would have crossed.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

"Dave is a nice guy."

I worked with Dave and Worker #3 today and at some point when Worker #3 and I were alone we were talking about the blog and laughing, and he asked me.....

Worker #3: Do you give Dave credit on your blog or do you just criticize him.

Me: Well.... not really. I did give him credit twice; "Bonus Dave being smart," and "Bonus Dave teaches me how to use a plumb bob."

Worker #3: Ok.

Me: I've also stated that he's a great surveyor. But that really wouldn't make my blog popular.

Worker #3: Ha, that's funny. You can't get too popular or Dave will kill you.

Me: Yeah. It's just so weird - he says and does so many horrible things but then does touching and honorable things.

Worker #3: Yeah. Dave is a good guy.


Dave is a good guy. He has said many things to me that make me think otherwise but he also does many good things for me and others. It could be just his version of karma but I'll appreciate him for what he did today.

He's going to give me his car (it was his idea and he was pretty insistent on it) tomorrow so that I can go be with my wife as we say good bye to her mother.

I have some good regular updates from the last 2 days but I'll leave today at this.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

El Producto

Dave has a weird relationship with his girlfriend. He talks often about how she doesn't love him and how he's going to buy a house and move out with his daughter. He kinda, really loves her, but not really.

Dave: I guess me asking her to marry me every day for the last year isn't working?

Worker #3: Did you buy her a diamond ring yet?

Dave: No.

Worker#3: That's what you need to do.

Dave: I gave her a cigar wrapper once. Ha, ha, ha.

Worker #3: Oh my!

Me: That's going on the blog.

Worker #3: Ha, ha.


Worker #3 and I worked together during the start of the week as Dave had called in sick and we had a conversation about someone we both knew whom we came to the conclusion, was a bully.

Worker #3 (to Dave): We came to the conclusion that he's just a bully.

Dave: Why? He's not big.

Me: Ha! What does his size have to do with him being a bully?

Dave: Because I'll knock him down with one whack.