Saturday, June 27, 2009

Dave's Weekend In Laconia Part III

Dave: While we were at the bar my buddy was getting a shoulder massage by some broad. He was really drunk and while she was massaging him he fell asleep. Well the bouncers came over to throw him out because he was too drunk.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: But he wasn't asleep because he was drunk; he was just relaxed because he was getting massaged.

Me: Okay.

Dave: I tried to talk the bouncers out of throwing him out but they didn't believe me. So we end up getting on the courtesy shuttle at about 10:30. It was a school bus and they had two maitre de's as you know, hostesses.

Me: Were they hot?

Dave: Oh, they were so fucking hot. As we drove down the main strip they had their bare asses hanging out the window and me and my buddy were hanging out the next windows slapping their asses. We were the only ones on the bus.

Me: Oh really?

Dave: Yeah and all of the people on the strip were taking pictures of us. I'd love to get one of those pictures.

Me: Me too.

Dave: They told us they wanted to meet up with us after they got off of work at 12:30 so we made plans to meet up at the bar we left.

Me: And?

Dave: We went back there at 12:30 but they never showed up.

Me: Did you really expect them to show up?

Dave: They seemed so interested.

Me: Is it possibly because they were paid to be interested?

Dave: Yeah, you're probably right.


Dave: You know, most of the girls that go to bike week aren't that good looking.

Me: Except for the ones that are paid to be there?

Dave: Ha ha ha ha, I think you're right.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Dave's Weekend In Laconia Part II

Dave: Yeah, so I ended up with the fattest fucking broad in the bar and she had the most annoying laugh ever. It was all like, "hen, hen, hen, hen!"

Me: The Norah O'Donnell laugh.

Dave: Exactly.

(Editor's Note: Dave has no idea who Norah O'Donnell is.

Dave: But me and my buddy ended up hitting on these two broads that were about 20 years apart. One was 10 years younger than me - and she was all right; I'd fuck her - and the other was about 10 years older than me. She was like 60 or something.

Me: Were you digging up the grave?

Dave: No way, but she did whisper to me, "Have. You. Ever. Found the g-spot?"

Me: Heh, I'm sure she did.

Dave: I couldn't help but laugh in her face. We were hitting on them in the parking lot and they got in their car to leave and they left their pocket books on the rear bumper. My buddy ran after them to tell them about it but they weren't going anywhere since the line to get out of the parking lot was really long. So I walked up to the window with their purses and told them, "No, but I found your pocket books."

Monday, June 22, 2009

Dave's Weekend In Laconia Part I

Dave: Yeah so me and my buddies throw in $20 each - whoever gets the fattest chick wins the pot.

Me: No shit.

Dave: And my buddy got this big girl whose tits were 200 pounds. He was playing with them and digging his face in them. People were getting pictures. My other buddy got this real hot chick.

Me: Was she a big girl?

Dave: No.

Me: So he wasn't in the pool?

Dave: He was but he didn't care. I got this broad who was about 300 pounds. She was so fucking big.

Me: Did you win?

Dave: I did. The rules were that the woman you were with at 12:30 was your entrant. I won $100. She was so fucking huge! I was dancing with her and I couldn't get my arms around her.

Me: Nice.

Dave: So I paid for breakfast the next morning. It didn't cost me anything.

Me: Right.

Dave: We do that every year. We do a, "who can get the ugliest girl," or, "who can get the oldest broad," or, "who can get a girl with a scar on her face."

Sunday, June 21, 2009

The Twitter Revolutioning

Me: Did you hear about what's going on in Iran?

Dave: No, what's that?

Me: Well they just had an election and the candidate that was supposed to win was declared the loser. It was most likely vote fraud. The incumbent stole the election.

Dave: Well why would they do that?

Me: To stay in power. The incumbent president is the preferred candidate of the supreme leader of Iran.

Dave: Well how can they get away with that? That ain't right. It doesn't make sense.


Radio: Thousands have taken to the streets in Iran despite a call from the supreme leader that such rallies are illegal. "Death to the dictator," the green-clad protesters chanted.

Dave: Why is that? Is it because Obama's black?

Me: What the fuck does that have to do with anything?

Dave: Because if a black man can make it in a white man's world, anything's possible. Well, it's not really a white man's world anymore.

Me: Oh really?

Dave: Yeah they know that anything is possible. That's why there's so many countries revolutioning their governments.

Me: What other countries are revolutioning their governments?

Dave: Lots of them.

Me: How many?

Dave: How the fuck am I supposed to know?

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

And That's One To Grow On

Dave: Unintelligible - that's so gay. Oh wait, I'm not supposed to say that.

Me: What?

Dave: "That's so gay." It's not... correct or something. You know that commercial telling kids that saying, "that's so gay," is wrong.

Me: It is wrong.

Dave: Why?

Me: Because it's offensive.

Dave: To who? Gay people?

Me: Yes, as well as their friends, family, and so on.

Dave: Why? It means happy.

Me: Oh, is that how you use it or how your kids use it?

Dave: No, you're right. Are you offended by it?

Me: Yes, I'm offended every time you say that.

Dave: Sorry.

Editor's note: Dave used that phrase more than usual after this conversation and made a big show of apologizing either before or after using it.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

American History X

Dave: You know if you see a mattress on the street you should cut it open - there may be money inside of it.

Me: Oh yeah.

Dave: Did you hear about that?

Me: Yeah I saw that on tv last night.

Dave: I think it was in Iran or something.

Me: Israel. It was Israel.

Dave: Whatever. Why would you do that and not put your money in a bank?

Me: Well it was a grandmother so I'm guessing she was really old and lived through the Depression. You know how the banks failed?

Dave: Yeah, but that's just stupid. You know back in the Revolution War people used to keep their money in boxes and hide it in their stone walls. I'm always looking for those whenever I find an old stone wall or foundation.

Me: No shit.

Dave: Yeah and one time I found a metal box that I thought had paper money in it. I shook it up and figured there was $60,000 in there. All it was was a stack of letters from the mistress of one of the town's founders for like forty years. It was from the 1850's to like the late 1800's. Is that even worth anything?

Me: Yeah, you should take it on Antique's Roadshow.

Dave: What, and out the town's founding father as a..

Me: Philanderer?

Dave: Yeah. Well I don't have it anyway. I let the guy I was working with keep it because he wanted the box.

Me: That was stupid. What happened to the letters?

Dave: I don't know. What if there was money in that box? How much would that be worth today?

Me: Probably a lot is my guess.

Dave: I don't know, it's not even real money.

Me: How so?

Dave: The people who were fighting in the Revolution War had their own money, Confederate dollars.

Me: You mean Continental dollars?

Dave: No, Confederate. So they hid they're Confederate dollars in the walls so if they won the war they'd still have their money... and their cotton and their slaves.

Me: Okay, what state would you find these Confederate dollar stashes?

Dave: Massachusetts.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Time To Make The Donuts

More radio.

Dave: I hate that you make me listen to this CRAP!!! Listening to this political crap is gonna make me think I give a damn!

Me: Heh.

Dave: I think there should be no government. Just give everyone a fucking gun and let us be!

Me: Oh, this line again? What abouth the free donuts?

Dave: Huh?

Tuesday, June 9, 2009


Dave: So how was the movie?

Me: Oh it was great. The movie was called, "Outrage" and it was about outing closeted gay Republicans who vote against gay rights.

Dave: You watch, the WEIRDEST, FUCKING, MOVIES!!

Me: Heh.

Dave: Was it a documentary?

Me: Yeah! It was really good. It started out during the credits with the recording of the police interview of Senator Larry Craig who was busted trying to have sex in a public restroom.

Dave: I saw one of those once. It was about steroids.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: Yeah, it was really good so I bought it. I own it now.

Me: Cool.

A New Hope

I keep progressive talk radio on the station while we work and it drives Dave insane.

Dave: I don't know HOW, you listen to this CRAP!!!

Me: I don't know how you can keep asking me that every day.

Dave: It's A.M. fucking radio! That went out in the fifties!

Me: Oh, did it now?

Dave: Actually, it's a good thing you keep it on; it makes me a little bit smarter.

Me: That's a good thing.

Dave: Yeah.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Till Laser Removal Do Us Part

Dave: I made a few hundred bucks yesterday at my other job.

Me: Holy shit, that's awesome.

Dave: Yeah it is. I was thinking, I promised my girlfriend last year that I would get her a tattoo; maybe I'll finally get her one.

Me: Aww.

Dave: She wants to get one of those back tattoos, what are they called, tramp stamps?

Me: Ha, that's from that movie.

Dave: Yeah, I told her it's called a tramp stamp and now she doesn't want to get one. I told her to just get something else.

Me: A tribal?

Dave: Probably. I was thinking I'd either do that or pay to have her grandmother's engagement ring fixed. And then I'd give her a year to marry me or I'm outta there.

Me: The tattoo will probably last longer than the marriage.

Dave: Heh, heh, heh, you're probably right.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

The Bleeding

Dave was talking on his phone and as usual he was talking on speaker phone. No such thing as a private discussion with him.

Dave: So, do you want to meet me for a drink around 4?

Dave's Girlfriend: I think that could work but, where are you now?

Dave: I'm at work.

Dave's Girlfriend: You're out of work now aren't you!? You always do this!

Me: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Dave: Ha, Sniffa's laughing at you!

Dave's Girlfriend: I'm on speaker phone!?

Dave: Yeah, why wouldn't you be?

Dave's Girlfriend: I'll talk to you later. *click*

Dave: See? Didn't I tell you how she is? She's got the bleeding this week so she's all worried that I'm out cheating on her.

Me: Ha ha, the bleeding!?

Dave: Yeah, her period. She thinks I'm going to be off fucking other women because she has her period.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Hair! Hair! Long Beautiful Hair!

Dave: You need to cut those gay sideburns.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: Yeah, they make you look like a fag.

Me: Awesome.

Dave: I'm just kidding, they look good on you.

Me: I know.

Dave: I just can't stand sideburns on me or hair on my face. It's strange too because I used to have long unkempt hair flowing past my shoulders.

Me: I can see that with you rocking the flat top but the goatee doesn't bother you?

Dave: That's different.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Vasectomy Now!

Dave: Hey, so that 35 year old broad that everyone wants to date asked me out.

Me: Okay.

Dave: How about that huh?

Me: I.. guess.

Dave: She won't date anybody because she has kids but she asked me out. I'm thinking about throwing her a shot.

Me: Okay... What the fuck are you talking about?

Dave: The 35 year old. She's so fucking hot.

Me: Okay, is this someone you met at the gym?

Dave: Yeah! She doesn't want to date anyone because of her kids; they get all close to her boyfriends and shit and then they leave. I just want to fuck her and not meet her kids so that's not a problem.. I'm going to take take pictures too as a proof of purchase.

Me: Ha! Okay then. I'm at least sorta on your page now.

Dave: Yeah so I'm thinking of throwing her a shot but I don't know where to place it?

Me: Which hole?

Dave: Yeah..... I'm thinking her ass; maybe her mouth.

Me: *snort* Are you gonna go for it?

Dave: No, I love my girlfriend too much.

Me: I'm surprised.

Dave: She's riding the red wagon right now so she thinks I'm off cheating on her whenever I'm at work or at the gym or whatever.

Me: Well, does she have reason to think that?

Dave: No.

Me: How did you meet your girlfriend?

Dave: Yeah, yeah I was cheating on my wife with her but I was separated then - separated but living together.

Me: Holy shit! You guys were still living together then? I didn't know that.

Dave: Yeah but I just waited until she passed out all fucked up before doing anything.. I used to fuck her once she passed out; she didn't know. She'd take her oxycontin until she'd be a fucking retard and then I could stick it anywhere I wanted... her ear... her nostril.... anywhere I wanted.

Me: That's impressive.

Dave: Heh heh, yeah.