Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Kill More To Make More

We've been working nights on the highway and share work space with state workers doing their jobs including the light bulb changing crew.

Dave: Look at these guys. Imagine doing that every fucking night. Just changing light bulbs.

Me: They get paid really well for it. They also have an incredible pension - well, they used to before the economy went south. When the economy comes back it will be a great pension again.

Dave: It's never coming back.

Me: Why not?

Dave: Because, there's too many people. Someone needs to go the Hitler route again and take out half the population.

Me: What!

Dave: We need a new Hitler to trim the population or we'll never be prosperous again.

Me: Or Randal Flagg.

Dave: Huh?

Me: Okay, why do you think that we need to halve the population?

Dave: Because, there's too many people and not enough jobs. If we take out half of the population there will be plenty of jobs for everyone.

Me: Makes sense.

Dave: And no one cares anymore about having kids so the rest of the world is outpopulating us. When my parents were growing up everyone had five or six kids. When I was having kids you were supposed to have three. Now people will only have one and they wait until they're older to have it. Everyone's too self-absorbed now.

Me: So we have to take them out?

Dave: It's gonna happen. I think it's going to be us making our own poison or disease that does it for us.

Me: Like Aids?

Dave: Worse even. It's going to wipe out the planet. We won't be around to see it but it's gonna happen.

Me: So we won't be around to see the economy recover?

Dave: I don't know.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Of Fat Girls And Hummers

Me: Hey, today my wife went out on the porch to smoke and I joined her. So we're out there smoking and talking and she looks past me and starts pointing. I look and turn back to ask what's up. She points again and tells me to look.

Dave: Okay.

Me: Well I live across from the train station which has a 4 floor garage. The top floor is several feet below our floor so we have a full view of the uncovered garage roof.

Dave: Yeah, you told me that.

Me: And everyone thinks that no one will see them up there performing sex acts or urinating or breaking into cars.

Dave: Right.

Me: So there's this guy sitting on one side of the elevator room - it rises up almost a floor above the roof and everyone we ever see doing illegal acts always do it on this side of the elevator room because they think no one can see them.

Dave: I know what you're talking about.

Me: So he's sitting there with his back against the wall with his pants undone..

Dave: Heh, heh, heh, heh.

Me: And there she is going down on him. *pantomimes the blowjob*

Dave: He he he he, that reminds me of this time I took a bus down to New Jersey and this bitch was blowing me the whole way down.

Me: Oh yeah? Well they're going at it and we're sitting there watching it and my wife starts live-blogging it while I'm giving play by play. At some point the guy notices that I'm out on the porch and watching them and I make a big show of laughing.

Dave: Ha ha ha ha ha, that girl on the bus gave the best blowjob.

Me: Right, so the girl stops and gets up and starts putting on her shoes. I have no idea why she took her shoes off to give a blowjob on the roof of a garage.

Dave: Heh, heh, heh, that girl who blew me on the bus was wild.

Me: Okay, should I just stop talking now?

Dave: Why?

Me: So the guy is still sitting there holding his dick in his hands and I can tell by their body language what's going on. He's trying to get her to finish despite us watching.

Dave: Oh man, that was such a great ride. She sucked my cock for eight hours straight.

Me: Oh you couldn't cum? What happened?

Dave: Yeah I could! At least eight times.

Me: Yeah, so the girl covered up and the guy zipped up and they left. As they left I started clapping and the girl gave me the finger.

Dave: He, he, he, he, he.

Me: Where I live I see tons of great shit. However, the only other time I've seen anyone getting it on on the roof was a long time ago. I see people peeing in that exact same spot all of the time but sex is a rarity.

Dave: He, he.

Me: The only other time we saw sex, well, pseudo-sex - was this couple that obviously just met on the train.

Dave: Oh yeah, I've had those.

Me: Of course you have. So this couple was going at it in the same spot. It was fat girl in her twenties I'd guess, and a guy in his late thirties or early forties.

Dave: Was it a black guy?

Me: No.

Dave: That's too bad.

Me: Why? Never mind. So this guy looked like he had never had any experience with sex. He was all..

Dave: Fat girls are always the hardest to get into.

Me: Huh?

Dave: They have so many cracks that you don't know where to stick it in.

Me: You're supposed to roll them in flour right?

Dave: Heh, heh, yeah to find the wet spot. But even then you can't find their snatch.

Me: So this guy was kneeing her in the crotch and it was so awkward...

Dave: Fat girls are the worst.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Save It For Later

Dave: Yeah, so me and my girlfriend were at the bar down at the beach the other night.

Me: Oh yeah? That's good you got out.

Dave: Yeah, so this girl comes over at like 1:30 - and she's wicked drunk. I mean, she's like falling over - and she comes over and she's all hanging on my arm.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: And she's wicked cute too.

Me: Of course.

Dave: So the bouncer comes over and asks me if I want him to escort her out. I know the guy and I tell him she's fine, but then my girlfriend lurches across me to tell him to get her the fuck out of here so he takes her away.

Me: Aw, too bad.

Dave: But I go out on the beach to get some fresh air later right, and while I'm out there I hear some moaning. So I'm looking around to find out where it's coming from and I see it's that broad that got thrown out. She's face down in the sand passed out.

Me: I know where this is going.

Dave: He he, so I go over to where she is and she's all fucked up.

Me: Rough shape.

Dave: Yeah, so I pull out my dick. I'm gonna fuck this broad. She was cute.

Me: I know. You said that already.

Dave: So I'm standing over her when I hear, "Dave! Dave! What the fuck are you doing over there?" It's my girlfriend; she came looking for me. I told her I was taking a piss, "do you mind?"

Me: Smart.

Dave: Yeah, then she comes over and sees the drunk bitch there and says, "You were gonna fuck her weren't you!?"

Me: And you were.

Dave: Yeah but she didn't know that. I was gonna fuck her so hard. Stick it in her ear. Her mouth. I was gonna cum in her hair.

Me: That's called rape y'know.

Dave: Eh, not really.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

A Teachable Moment?

Me: Hey, did you hear about that Boston cop that was suspended over the racist email?

Dave: No.

Me: Okay you know about the arrest of the professor in Cambridge right?

Dave: Yeah.

Me: Well this guy called him a, "banana eating jungle monkey."

Dave: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Me: He sent this in an email to a reporter for the Boston Globe and the fucking retard forwarded it to his colleagues in the police and his National Guard unit.

Dave: That's funny.

Me: He's going to lose his job over it.

Dave: That ain't right.

Me: Why?

Dave: Because that guy was just a pre-racist looking for a racial thing.

Me: Pre-racist? What the fuck is that?

Dave: How the fuck am I supposed to know!?

Me: *snort*

Dave: I just think the guy was out looking for something racial so he could start trouble.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: Dumb nigger.

Me: Oh dear.

Monday, July 27, 2009

A Teachable Moment

Radio: Obama, Gates, Crowley, Beer.

Dave: What do you think about that?

Me: About what?

Dave: About what Obama said?

Me: Oh, is this about the arrest in Cambridge? I wasn't paying attention.

Dave: Yeah. I think he was wrong for blaming the cops. That's just fucked up.

Me: He didn't blame the cops..

Dave: Yeah he did! He said they were wrong for arresting him.

Me: Oh really? He said that?

Dave: Well, something like that. Why the fuck did he even get involved!? He needs to do his fucking job!

Me: I like how at a press conference about health care the last question was about this case.

Dave: Oh he knew that question was coming.

Me: That's why he used the word, "stupidly" - he knew it would play well.

Dave: I don't know but that guy is just an asshole. The cop was just doing his job whether the guy was white or black or whatever.

Me: Are you black?

Dave: What the fuck does that have to do with anything.

Me: Look, I've seen enough outright racism and subtle racism by some police officers that it's not out of the realm. One time in college I was over a friend's house on a Friday night; we were going to watch movies, order pizza and smoke blunts. Cops busted in and they shook everyone down - they frisked them, asked for ID's, and checked them for warrants. I was the only person not even acknowledged much less frisked and berated and I was also the only white person in the room. And this was out in liberal, la-la Amherst.

Dave: What? You think they didn't search you because you're white?

Me: What do you think?

Dave: Look, I don't give a fuck what color you are. I don't judge people by their skin color.

Me: HA!!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

I Got A Golden Ticket

TD BankNorth is changing their name to TD Bank and as such, the TD BankNorth Garden (the old Boston Garden, I mean Fleet Center) will be changing its name as well. To publicise the name change they were giving out 19,600 chocolate bars at the arena of which 5 contained golden tickets starting at noon today. Each ticket had an unbelievable prize with the grand prize being two tickets to every event at the Garden for the next two years.

Dave: Hey, did you hear that they're giving away chocolate bars with golden tickets?

Me: Yeah, they were talking about that on the radio but I still have no idea where to go to get one.

Dave: The big prize is free tickets to every show for 2009 and 2010.

Me: I know! That's awesome.

Dave: Every concert there you'd have free tickets.

Me: And Celtics and Bruins games.

Dave: Yeah. I'd sell all of the sports tickets on Ebay.

Me: Be careful with that. They may have a clause or something that you'll lose the tickets if you do that.

Dave: Okay then I'll do it all by cash only.

Me: Alright.

Dave: Oh man, with the luck I've been having this week on scratch tickets I know I'm going to get that golden ticket.

Me: "I've got a golden ticket!"

Dave: Heh, heh, heh.

Me: If I win I'm digging up Grandpa Joe's grave and bringing his corpse to every show.

Dave: You're gross.

Me: *snort*

Dave: Oh I can't wait. I'll take my girlfriend to all of the concerts.

Me: And the kids to the circus. The Ice Capades.

Dave: Oh that's right.

Me: And Monday Night Raw!

Dave: Oh my god! Those are all mine. You and me can go.

Me: Nice! Good looking out.


At 12:00 pm we left the job site in Chucktown to head to the Garden for our golden tickets. It was a very short ride but along the way Dave started yelling out his window to any car near us. I spent the whole ride giggling my ass off.

Dave: Stop following us, you're not getting our golden tickets!

Dave: The candy bars are all gone, go home!

Dave: You think you're gonna get my candy bar!? Fuck you! I'll fuck you up!

Dave: Oh, you think you're going to beat us to the candy bars!? Don't let him beat us to the candy bars!

Dave: Hey fatty, you don't need any chocolate!

As we crossed the bridge from Chucktown to the east end of the Garden we saw a huge crowd of people lining up from around the corner. Dave began yelling at them as we drove past and trying to avoid hitting douchebags that were walking in our lane.

Dave: Oh fuck. Is this the line?

Me: Holy shit! I wasn't expecting this.

Dave: Why the fuck weren't you? There's gotta be 100,000 people here.

Me: I just thought there'd be a few people in costumes handing out candybars.

Dave: The candy bars are all gone go home!

Dave: The candy bars are sold out your loss!

Dave: You guys are wasting your time the candy bars are all gone!

Dave: The line is back up over the bridge give up!

Dave: The line is miles long go home!

Dave: If you get the golden ticket I'm coming for you!

Dave: Hey, just pull over here and I'll cut in line.

Me: Really?

Dave: Yeah, who the fuck's gonna say anything to me? No one says anything to me because they know I'll fuck them up. And if that black dude (security guard) says anything I'll give him a dirty look.

We just maneuvered through the masses and headed back to the job site, giving up on our hopes and dreams.

Dave: Oh man, my girlfriend is going to be so upset. I was so planning on getting her those tickets.

(Editor's note: I totally fucked up. I drove over to the Garden (east end) at 11:30am to use their portapotties and then hang out for candy. Well the portapotties were gone and I had to really go so I turned around and headed back to the job site to use the doorinal. While there I decided to eat lunch and head back at noon. While at the Garden the first time there was no crowd and no indication of the candy bar promotion so I thought nothing of leaving. Had I traveled past the west end of the Garden I may have noticed that that was where the candy bars were happening and where the massive line would begin.)

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Dave's Weekend In Laconia Part V

Dave: So this one year I brought this girl with me who was like way younger than me.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: Yeah and while we were there she invited me into this public shower place, y'know it's just all concrete and tile and a bunch of shower heads.

Me: Okay.

Dave: So I think she wants me to go in there so she can give me a blowjob..

Me: Obviously.

Dave: So I go in there and she has 6 other girls there with scrub brushes so they can all bathe me.

Me: Dear Penthouse.

Dave: Oh my god it was so incredible.

Me: Some of my buddies I grew up with used to go at least once a week or more down to the casinos and at least one would always win big and when they were done gambling they'd drive up to Cheaters, one of the best flesh bars..

Dave: Flesh what? What?

Me: Strip club. So they'd stop there and stay until they closed and then they'd go to an Asian massage parlor. Before the massage they'd undress you and then shower/bathe you. My buddy used to brag about it after every trip about how great it was to have your privates washed by a stranger, "especially a female."

Dave: Yeah it is.

Me: And for at least a $30 tip they got to have a hand job after the massage or whatever their kink was - price could go up, depending.

Dave: Nice! Well this girl was so fucking um, I guess, alternative. She could go up to any girl and say, "I want to lick your pussy," and every single one would agree to it.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: Yeah, she was good. If I saw her today I'd beat her fucking face in the fucking cunt.

Me: ......

Dave: .....

Me: Oooo kaaaay.

Dave: What?

Me: .....

Dave: .....

Me: Okay what the fuck, are you going to tell me why you'll beat her fucking face in?

Dave's Weekend In Laconia Part IV

Dave: So many of the guys I go up to Bike Week with aren't willing to take one for the team.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: Yeah any of the half-way decent women up there always have a fat fucking beast friend with them.

Me: Ah the old Better By Comparison maneuver.

Dave: Exactly. But they need to be distracted and separated from the hot girl so you can get your shot.

Me: Of course, the uglies aren't there for emotional support either y'know; they're there for action too.

Dave: Yeah but no one ever wants to take one for the team. I always end up doing it so my buddy can get lucky.

Me: Aw, you're a stand-up guy, Dave.

Dave: I know! And it's so weird because I'm always the one that's chatting up the girls and getting them interested in us.

Me: Yeah you're a regular Chatty Cathy. You talk up everyone we encounter.

Dave: Yeah, well I do all the work getting the girls partying with us he always ends up going home with the hot girl. I do good starting off but he's the a... a... a good, um..

Me: Closer? He can close the deal?

Dave: That's it!

Me: So you're like Josh Beckett and he's like Jonathon Papelbon?

Dave: Exactly.

Dave's Weekend In Laconia Part IV

Dave: So many of the guys I go up to Bike Week with aren't willing to take one for the team.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: Yeah any of the half-way decent women up there always a fat fucking beast friend with them.

Me: Ah the old Better By Comparison maneuver.

Dave: Exactly. But they need to be distracted and separated from the hot girl so you can get your shot.

Me: Of course, the uglies aren't there for emotional support either y'know; they're there for action too.

Dave: Yeah but no one ever wants to take one for the team. I always end up doing it so my buddy can get lucky.

Me: Aw, you're a stand-up guy, Dave.

Dave: I know! And it's so weird because I'm always the one that's chatting up the girls and getting them interested in us.

Me: Yeah you're a regular Chatty Cathy. You talk up everyone we encounter.

Dave: Yeah, well I do all the work getting the girls partying with us he always ends up going home with the hot girl. I do good starting off but he's the a... a... a good, um..

Me: Closer? He can close the deal?

Dave: That's it!

Me: So you're like Josh Beckett and he's like Jonathon Papelbon?

Dave: Exactly.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Dave's Weekend In Laconia Part III

Dave: While we were at the bar my buddy was getting a shoulder massage by some broad. He was really drunk and while she was massaging him he fell asleep. Well the bouncers came over to throw him out because he was too drunk.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: But he wasn't asleep because he was drunk; he was just relaxed because he was getting massaged.

Me: Okay.

Dave: I tried to talk the bouncers out of throwing him out but they didn't believe me. So we end up getting on the courtesy shuttle at about 10:30. It was a school bus and they had two maitre de's as you know, hostesses.

Me: Were they hot?

Dave: Oh, they were so fucking hot. As we drove down the main strip they had their bare asses hanging out the window and me and my buddy were hanging out the next windows slapping their asses. We were the only ones on the bus.

Me: Oh really?

Dave: Yeah and all of the people on the strip were taking pictures of us. I'd love to get one of those pictures.

Me: Me too.

Dave: They told us they wanted to meet up with us after they got off of work at 12:30 so we made plans to meet up at the bar we left.

Me: And?

Dave: We went back there at 12:30 but they never showed up.

Me: Did you really expect them to show up?

Dave: They seemed so interested.

Me: Is it possibly because they were paid to be interested?

Dave: Yeah, you're probably right.


Dave: You know, most of the girls that go to bike week aren't that good looking.

Me: Except for the ones that are paid to be there?

Dave: Ha ha ha ha, I think you're right.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Dave's Weekend In Laconia Part II

Dave: Yeah, so I ended up with the fattest fucking broad in the bar and she had the most annoying laugh ever. It was all like, "hen, hen, hen, hen!"

Me: The Norah O'Donnell laugh.

Dave: Exactly.

(Editor's Note: Dave has no idea who Norah O'Donnell is.

Dave: But me and my buddy ended up hitting on these two broads that were about 20 years apart. One was 10 years younger than me - and she was all right; I'd fuck her - and the other was about 10 years older than me. She was like 60 or something.

Me: Were you digging up the grave?

Dave: No way, but she did whisper to me, "Have. You. Ever. Found the g-spot?"

Me: Heh, I'm sure she did.

Dave: I couldn't help but laugh in her face. We were hitting on them in the parking lot and they got in their car to leave and they left their pocket books on the rear bumper. My buddy ran after them to tell them about it but they weren't going anywhere since the line to get out of the parking lot was really long. So I walked up to the window with their purses and told them, "No, but I found your pocket books."

Monday, June 22, 2009

Dave's Weekend In Laconia Part I

Dave: Yeah so me and my buddies throw in $20 each - whoever gets the fattest chick wins the pot.

Me: No shit.

Dave: And my buddy got this big girl whose tits were 200 pounds. He was playing with them and digging his face in them. People were getting pictures. My other buddy got this real hot chick.

Me: Was she a big girl?

Dave: No.

Me: So he wasn't in the pool?

Dave: He was but he didn't care. I got this broad who was about 300 pounds. She was so fucking big.

Me: Did you win?

Dave: I did. The rules were that the woman you were with at 12:30 was your entrant. I won $100. She was so fucking huge! I was dancing with her and I couldn't get my arms around her.

Me: Nice.

Dave: So I paid for breakfast the next morning. It didn't cost me anything.

Me: Right.

Dave: We do that every year. We do a, "who can get the ugliest girl," or, "who can get the oldest broad," or, "who can get a girl with a scar on her face."

Sunday, June 21, 2009

The Twitter Revolutioning

Me: Did you hear about what's going on in Iran?

Dave: No, what's that?

Me: Well they just had an election and the candidate that was supposed to win was declared the loser. It was most likely vote fraud. The incumbent stole the election.

Dave: Well why would they do that?

Me: To stay in power. The incumbent president is the preferred candidate of the supreme leader of Iran.

Dave: Well how can they get away with that? That ain't right. It doesn't make sense.


Radio: Thousands have taken to the streets in Iran despite a call from the supreme leader that such rallies are illegal. "Death to the dictator," the green-clad protesters chanted.

Dave: Why is that? Is it because Obama's black?

Me: What the fuck does that have to do with anything?

Dave: Because if a black man can make it in a white man's world, anything's possible. Well, it's not really a white man's world anymore.

Me: Oh really?

Dave: Yeah they know that anything is possible. That's why there's so many countries revolutioning their governments.

Me: What other countries are revolutioning their governments?

Dave: Lots of them.

Me: How many?

Dave: How the fuck am I supposed to know?

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

And That's One To Grow On

Dave: Unintelligible - that's so gay. Oh wait, I'm not supposed to say that.

Me: What?

Dave: "That's so gay." It's not... correct or something. You know that commercial telling kids that saying, "that's so gay," is wrong.

Me: It is wrong.

Dave: Why?

Me: Because it's offensive.

Dave: To who? Gay people?

Me: Yes, as well as their friends, family, and so on.

Dave: Why? It means happy.

Me: Oh, is that how you use it or how your kids use it?

Dave: No, you're right. Are you offended by it?

Me: Yes, I'm offended every time you say that.

Dave: Sorry.

Editor's note: Dave used that phrase more than usual after this conversation and made a big show of apologizing either before or after using it.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

American History X

Dave: You know if you see a mattress on the street you should cut it open - there may be money inside of it.

Me: Oh yeah.

Dave: Did you hear about that?

Me: Yeah I saw that on tv last night.

Dave: I think it was in Iran or something.

Me: Israel. It was Israel.

Dave: Whatever. Why would you do that and not put your money in a bank?

Me: Well it was a grandmother so I'm guessing she was really old and lived through the Depression. You know how the banks failed?

Dave: Yeah, but that's just stupid. You know back in the Revolution War people used to keep their money in boxes and hide it in their stone walls. I'm always looking for those whenever I find an old stone wall or foundation.

Me: No shit.

Dave: Yeah and one time I found a metal box that I thought had paper money in it. I shook it up and figured there was $60,000 in there. All it was was a stack of letters from the mistress of one of the town's founders for like forty years. It was from the 1850's to like the late 1800's. Is that even worth anything?

Me: Yeah, you should take it on Antique's Roadshow.

Dave: What, and out the town's founding father as a..

Me: Philanderer?

Dave: Yeah. Well I don't have it anyway. I let the guy I was working with keep it because he wanted the box.

Me: That was stupid. What happened to the letters?

Dave: I don't know. What if there was money in that box? How much would that be worth today?

Me: Probably a lot is my guess.

Dave: I don't know, it's not even real money.

Me: How so?

Dave: The people who were fighting in the Revolution War had their own money, Confederate dollars.

Me: You mean Continental dollars?

Dave: No, Confederate. So they hid they're Confederate dollars in the walls so if they won the war they'd still have their money... and their cotton and their slaves.

Me: Okay, what state would you find these Confederate dollar stashes?

Dave: Massachusetts.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Time To Make The Donuts

More radio.

Dave: I hate that you make me listen to this CRAP!!! Listening to this political crap is gonna make me think I give a damn!

Me: Heh.

Dave: I think there should be no government. Just give everyone a fucking gun and let us be!

Me: Oh, this line again? What abouth the free donuts?

Dave: Huh?

Tuesday, June 9, 2009


Dave: So how was the movie?

Me: Oh it was great. The movie was called, "Outrage" and it was about outing closeted gay Republicans who vote against gay rights.

Dave: You watch, the WEIRDEST, FUCKING, MOVIES!!

Me: Heh.

Dave: Was it a documentary?

Me: Yeah! It was really good. It started out during the credits with the recording of the police interview of Senator Larry Craig who was busted trying to have sex in a public restroom.

Dave: I saw one of those once. It was about steroids.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: Yeah, it was really good so I bought it. I own it now.

Me: Cool.

A New Hope

I keep progressive talk radio on the station while we work and it drives Dave insane.

Dave: I don't know HOW, you listen to this CRAP!!!

Me: I don't know how you can keep asking me that every day.

Dave: It's A.M. fucking radio! That went out in the fifties!

Me: Oh, did it now?

Dave: Actually, it's a good thing you keep it on; it makes me a little bit smarter.

Me: That's a good thing.

Dave: Yeah.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Till Laser Removal Do Us Part

Dave: I made a few hundred bucks yesterday at my other job.

Me: Holy shit, that's awesome.

Dave: Yeah it is. I was thinking, I promised my girlfriend last year that I would get her a tattoo; maybe I'll finally get her one.

Me: Aww.

Dave: She wants to get one of those back tattoos, what are they called, tramp stamps?

Me: Ha, that's from that movie.

Dave: Yeah, I told her it's called a tramp stamp and now she doesn't want to get one. I told her to just get something else.

Me: A tribal?

Dave: Probably. I was thinking I'd either do that or pay to have her grandmother's engagement ring fixed. And then I'd give her a year to marry me or I'm outta there.

Me: The tattoo will probably last longer than the marriage.

Dave: Heh, heh, heh, you're probably right.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

The Bleeding

Dave was talking on his phone and as usual he was talking on speaker phone. No such thing as a private discussion with him.

Dave: So, do you want to meet me for a drink around 4?

Dave's Girlfriend: I think that could work but, where are you now?

Dave: I'm at work.

Dave's Girlfriend: You're out of work now aren't you!? You always do this!

Me: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Dave: Ha, Sniffa's laughing at you!

Dave's Girlfriend: I'm on speaker phone!?

Dave: Yeah, why wouldn't you be?

Dave's Girlfriend: I'll talk to you later. *click*

Dave: See? Didn't I tell you how she is? She's got the bleeding this week so she's all worried that I'm out cheating on her.

Me: Ha ha, the bleeding!?

Dave: Yeah, her period. She thinks I'm going to be off fucking other women because she has her period.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Hair! Hair! Long Beautiful Hair!

Dave: You need to cut those gay sideburns.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: Yeah, they make you look like a fag.

Me: Awesome.

Dave: I'm just kidding, they look good on you.

Me: I know.

Dave: I just can't stand sideburns on me or hair on my face. It's strange too because I used to have long unkempt hair flowing past my shoulders.

Me: I can see that with you rocking the flat top but the goatee doesn't bother you?

Dave: That's different.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Vasectomy Now!

Dave: Hey, so that 35 year old broad that everyone wants to date asked me out.

Me: Okay.

Dave: How about that huh?

Me: I.. guess.

Dave: She won't date anybody because she has kids but she asked me out. I'm thinking about throwing her a shot.

Me: Okay... What the fuck are you talking about?

Dave: The 35 year old. She's so fucking hot.

Me: Okay, is this someone you met at the gym?

Dave: Yeah! She doesn't want to date anyone because of her kids; they get all close to her boyfriends and shit and then they leave. I just want to fuck her and not meet her kids so that's not a problem.. I'm going to take take pictures too as a proof of purchase.

Me: Ha! Okay then. I'm at least sorta on your page now.

Dave: Yeah so I'm thinking of throwing her a shot but I don't know where to place it?

Me: Which hole?

Dave: Yeah..... I'm thinking her ass; maybe her mouth.

Me: *snort* Are you gonna go for it?

Dave: No, I love my girlfriend too much.

Me: I'm surprised.

Dave: She's riding the red wagon right now so she thinks I'm off cheating on her whenever I'm at work or at the gym or whatever.

Me: Well, does she have reason to think that?

Dave: No.

Me: How did you meet your girlfriend?

Dave: Yeah, yeah I was cheating on my wife with her but I was separated then - separated but living together.

Me: Holy shit! You guys were still living together then? I didn't know that.

Dave: Yeah but I just waited until she passed out all fucked up before doing anything.. I used to fuck her once she passed out; she didn't know. She'd take her oxycontin until she'd be a fucking retard and then I could stick it anywhere I wanted... her ear... her nostril.... anywhere I wanted.

Me: That's impressive.

Dave: Heh heh, yeah.

Friday, May 29, 2009

White Meat, Dark Meat, You Just Can't Lose

We were working in one of the large minority areas of Boston yesterday.

Me: Y'know, I grew up in a very diverse community and when we were young we all hung out together. As we grew up we started to segregate by race.

Dave: Why is that? That always happens. I think it's just a learned environment thing.

Me: I think so too. All of the older kids went through the same thing.

Dave: That's so weird that that happens.

Me: It also comes from your parents..

Dave: No! It doesn't come from your parents. It comes from something else. My parents weren't racists.

Me: You didn't exactly grow up in a place that was diverse....

Dave: The last time I was here - you weren't working with me yet - I saw this black chick who was smoking!

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: Yeah, she was wearing tight, tight jeans and her ass was so fucking hot - and I love asses!

Me: So you've told me.

Dave: Yeah, so I say, "Ooh, hot chocolate." and she heard me!

Me: No way!

Dave: And she says, "Thank you," and smiles at me.

Me: Of course - why wouldn't she?

Dave: Mmm, mm dark meat. I've never had dark meat before but if I was going to she'd be one of them.

Me: I kind of figured that.

Dave: Imagine that, bringing a black person home to meet your parents. "Hi mom, here's this black broad - I'm gonna marry her." Oh my god, it would break my mother's heart.

Me: Really?

Dave: Yeah. That's what my daughter does to me. All she dates is blacks and Puerto Ricans. Why can't she just fucking date white people!?

Me: I didn't know you had many blacks or Puerto Ricans where you live.

Dave: Oh yeah we do. 

Me: What's the population of your town again?

Dave: Uh, about 8000. 

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

If You See Me Walking Down The Street

Me: S
o my wife and I decide to go putt-putt on Memorial Day and were sadly disappointed to find out that a brazillion people had the same idea. Many of them with small children who were especially bad and a family who decided to play each hole one person at a time, 3 groups ahead of us.

Dave: Oh, I don't know why you tried to do that. We went to the batting cages and it was mobbed. 

Me: I know. But we decided to play putt-putt and we had traveled all the way there. 

Dave: That sucks. I don't know if I could have done that for something as boring as putt-putt.

Me: So the group behind us was annoying by hole 2. There was a woman with two males playing in the group behind us. The youngest male who was probably in his teens, but possibly early twenties had no sense of personal space and constantly chased our putts and got really close to us. He was constantly getting so fucking close to us. The other male remained about 2 inches away from us at all times, even while we were putting. We kept moving away from him a few inches at a time and he kept moving closer. I had just assumed that he was also mentally challenged but my wife had overheard them talking and close-guy was the husband and father. He wasn't challenged but he was an economist according to said overheard conversation.

Dave: Economist? That's his problem right there. What the fuck is an economist? 

Me: Ha! So we were having a great, long, long, long time through 8 holes when we reached a 6 group backup on hole 9. The people still flailing away on the green were the same group fucking up while we were finishing up hole 6. They refused to give up. Fuck it, you had to wait 10-15 minutes for every hole so why not finish each one.

Dave: I couldn't do that. 

Me: I normally can't either. So we were having a great, long, long, long time through 8 holes when we reached a 6 group backup on hole 9. The people still flailing away on the green were the same group fucking up while we were finishing up hole 6. They refused to give up. 

Dave: What fucking assholes. 

Me: Fuck it, you had to wait 10-15 minutes for every hole so why not finish each one. So on hole 9 we wait about 20-30 minutes for this fuck up group to finish. It was a really hard hole and the following groups took a long time to finish but nowhere near as long.

Dave: Okay.

Me: So it's finally our turn and I luckily hit a miracle shot on stroke three and my wife is failing to get it in the hole. She's on about shot 7 or so (the hole was a side hill so when you miss you miss badly) and the mom starts yelling out to us, "The maximum is 6 shots!!" My wife acknowledges her but then goes back to putting. As she's hitting her next putt the woman starts walks out onto our green yelling again more obnoxiously that the rules state that you only get 6 shots. "You only get six shots!!! Helooooo!!! Six!!! Pick it up!! Pick up!! Helloooo!! Pick up!!"

Dave: What the fuck?

Me: So my wife shoots her a look and picks up her ball. It totally ruined the day. I couldn't even keep score anymore because I was so angry and wanting to stay as far away from the socially awkward family. Actually, I wanted to make a huge fucking scene but my wife wouldn't let me. 

Dave: I would have told the bitch to sit down!

Me: I wanted to hang around so I could punch the father in the face.

Dave: Ha ha ha, real nice you are. Real nice.

Me: Heh, yeah but I just wanted to finish the round and get as far away from them as possible. It was so stressful as each hole I worried about going over six shots. 

Dave: Oh that sucks but I know what you mean.

Me: We checked the rules and there was no 6 shot limit. It was just their "house rules" they were trying to impose on us. And the weird thing was is that we were openly mocking them, and scorning them. I made sure to keep my back to them the rest of the round... And the fucker was still resting his fucking chin on my shoulder and blowing in my ear.

Dave: I would have have elbowed him or turned and coughed in his face. That's what I did to this guy who was too close to me in Dunkin's. I turned and hocked a loogey right in his face.

Me: Heh, maybe I'll try that next time. 

Dave: Do it. Especially now with the swine flu panic.

Me: Right? I just can't believe how socially awkward they were. It's one thing for the son to act like that, but the father? The economist?

Dave: Fucking weird.

Me: Fucking geek. He was wearing a hat awkwardly, short shorts and black socks with sandals.

Dave: Hey, I do that!

Me: Ha ha ha, really? 

Dave: Yeah.

Me: Ha ha! But the guy was so fucking odd. And what the fuck, they didn't even attempt to control their son but after the way the parents acted I shouldn't have expected them to know anything about personal space.

Dave: I'm scared of retards.

Me: Why's that?

Dave: I don't know. I'm just terrified of retards. If I see a retard coming at me I cross the street.

Me: He might steal your purse.

Dave: No, that's not it. I don't know why I'm just scared. I think I caught it from this guy I used to work with. He hated them.

Me: No shit. The Stop & Shop I go to hires a bunch of mentally challenged people - mainly for bagging and tracking down carts. 

Dave: They're okay at that.

Me: There's this one guy who's a bagger who talks to everyone. He just shoots the shit and talks nonstop even if the person doesn't acknowledge him. I try to avoid his line but one time I ended up in it and the guy in front of me ignored his chatter. Well he flipped out about it and started smashing my groceries and then my bags of groceries. It's a good thing I didn't buy eggs.

Dave: That ain't right.

Me: Yeah and I try to avoid him more now. They have this other young guy who has Downs and he has such a chip on his shoulder. He's one of the cart guys and tracks down those carts for fat people.

Dave: Oh right I know those.

Me: Yeah, well the guy tries to run people down. He gets in and drives and doesn't slow down or steer - you get the fuck out of the way or get hit. I like him.

Dave: Ha ha ha. The gym I work out at used to hire them to clean and shit. Well one of them went into the bathroom and wiped shit all over the walls. He actually put feces in his hands and wiped it on the walls. 

Me: Eww.

Dave: Yeah I went to the desk and told them about it and they didn't believe me. So I'm there trying to tell them and some guy comes out of the bathroom puking. 

Me: No shit.

Dave: Yeah, so they don't hire the mentally challenged anymore. 

Monday, May 25, 2009

Pirates Of The Charles

Several times a day we encounter one of Boston's duck boats that take visitors on a tour of the city. Many days the drivers dress in theme costumes and the drivers were dresseed as pirates on this day.

Dave: Hey, the guy is dressed like a pirate.

Me: The driver?

Dave: Yeah.

Me: Arrrrrgh
Dave: Arrrrgh.

Me: I want to see one of the other duck boats pull along side it and board it.

Dave: Ha, right.

Me: Have the tourists walk the plank.

Dave: We should do that. Put a ladder from the rack of our van to their boat.

Me: We can use our machetes as swords.

Dave: We can rob them; take all of their wallets and make them jump in the Charles River. Then we'll leave them in the water and blow up the boat.

Me: Oh, the places you'll go. 

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Oh, Oh, I So Horny

Dave tells lots of stories. He tells the same story more than once if it's one of his favorites and the story usually changes each time in facts and conclusions. This is one of those stories he told me on Friday for at least the third time if not more. This time there were different facts but the conclusion and the quote remained the same. "I so horny" is the common thread along with Dave being turned off; this is the first time dates and tree stand entered the equation. 

Dave: So I was working out at the gym and there's this really hot blonde that's been talking to me. She's about 40.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: Yeah, I so want to fuck her. She told me her name but I already can't remember it. 

Me: I have that problem too. Just ask her again.

Dave: It's right on the tip of my tongue. It's... it's... fuck, I can't remember.

Me: Is it Claire?

Dave: No.

Me: You sure?

Dave: Yeah.

Me: Marie? It's gotta be Marie.

Dave: Hmm. No, that's not it either.

Me: Like I said, just ask her.

Dave: I'm gonna ask the gym manager. He knows everyone.

Me: There you go.

Dave: I used to work out at this other place and there was this hot Asian bitch there. She was Phillipino right. 

Me: Okay.

Dave: I so wanted to fuck her. So I take her out on a date - and this is when I started dating my girlfriend right - and I take her out to check on my tree stand. So we're out in the woods all alone and she says to me, "I. So. Hor-ney." Ha ha ha ha ha ha, I couldn't stop laughing. It was such a turn-off. I mean, I was totally turned-off. 

Me: Heh.

Dave: I was so, I don't know... turned off I guess. 

Me: Right.

Dave: So I took her out again - again, I was still dating my girlfriend - and we went dancing. She spent the whole night dancing with..

Me: Another guy?

Dave: No, fifteen other girls.

Me: Nice.

Dave: So I decided that this wasn't going to work out. 

Me: That's too bad.

Dave: So we went out again a third time. I took her out to dinner and a movie. And then I fucked her so hard! I fucked her sideways.

Me: Ooh, high score for difficulty.

Dave: Huh... So after I'm done I dump her ass... It turns out she's married! Ha ha ha ha.

Me: You two had a lot in common.

Dave: Not really.