Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Kill More To Make More

We've been working nights on the highway and share work space with state workers doing their jobs including the light bulb changing crew.

Dave: Look at these guys. Imagine doing that every fucking night. Just changing light bulbs.

Me: They get paid really well for it. They also have an incredible pension - well, they used to before the economy went south. When the economy comes back it will be a great pension again.

Dave: It's never coming back.

Me: Why not?

Dave: Because, there's too many people. Someone needs to go the Hitler route again and take out half the population.

Me: What!

Dave: We need a new Hitler to trim the population or we'll never be prosperous again.

Me: Or Randal Flagg.

Dave: Huh?

Me: Okay, why do you think that we need to halve the population?

Dave: Because, there's too many people and not enough jobs. If we take out half of the population there will be plenty of jobs for everyone.

Me: Makes sense.

Dave: And no one cares anymore about having kids so the rest of the world is outpopulating us. When my parents were growing up everyone had five or six kids. When I was having kids you were supposed to have three. Now people will only have one and they wait until they're older to have it. Everyone's too self-absorbed now.

Me: So we have to take them out?

Dave: It's gonna happen. I think it's going to be us making our own poison or disease that does it for us.

Me: Like Aids?

Dave: Worse even. It's going to wipe out the planet. We won't be around to see it but it's gonna happen.

Me: So we won't be around to see the economy recover?

Dave: I don't know.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Of Fat Girls And Hummers

Me: Hey, today my wife went out on the porch to smoke and I joined her. So we're out there smoking and talking and she looks past me and starts pointing. I look and turn back to ask what's up. She points again and tells me to look.

Dave: Okay.

Me: Well I live across from the train station which has a 4 floor garage. The top floor is several feet below our floor so we have a full view of the uncovered garage roof.

Dave: Yeah, you told me that.

Me: And everyone thinks that no one will see them up there performing sex acts or urinating or breaking into cars.

Dave: Right.

Me: So there's this guy sitting on one side of the elevator room - it rises up almost a floor above the roof and everyone we ever see doing illegal acts always do it on this side of the elevator room because they think no one can see them.

Dave: I know what you're talking about.

Me: So he's sitting there with his back against the wall with his pants undone..

Dave: Heh, heh, heh, heh.

Me: And there she is going down on him. *pantomimes the blowjob*

Dave: He he he he, that reminds me of this time I took a bus down to New Jersey and this bitch was blowing me the whole way down.

Me: Oh yeah? Well they're going at it and we're sitting there watching it and my wife starts live-blogging it while I'm giving play by play. At some point the guy notices that I'm out on the porch and watching them and I make a big show of laughing.

Dave: Ha ha ha ha ha, that girl on the bus gave the best blowjob.

Me: Right, so the girl stops and gets up and starts putting on her shoes. I have no idea why she took her shoes off to give a blowjob on the roof of a garage.

Dave: Heh, heh, heh, that girl who blew me on the bus was wild.

Me: Okay, should I just stop talking now?

Dave: Why?

Me: So the guy is still sitting there holding his dick in his hands and I can tell by their body language what's going on. He's trying to get her to finish despite us watching.

Dave: Oh man, that was such a great ride. She sucked my cock for eight hours straight.

Me: Oh you couldn't cum? What happened?

Dave: Yeah I could! At least eight times.

Me: Yeah, so the girl covered up and the guy zipped up and they left. As they left I started clapping and the girl gave me the finger.

Dave: He, he, he, he, he.

Me: Where I live I see tons of great shit. However, the only other time I've seen anyone getting it on on the roof was a long time ago. I see people peeing in that exact same spot all of the time but sex is a rarity.

Dave: He, he.

Me: The only other time we saw sex, well, pseudo-sex - was this couple that obviously just met on the train.

Dave: Oh yeah, I've had those.

Me: Of course you have. So this couple was going at it in the same spot. It was fat girl in her twenties I'd guess, and a guy in his late thirties or early forties.

Dave: Was it a black guy?

Me: No.

Dave: That's too bad.

Me: Why? Never mind. So this guy looked like he had never had any experience with sex. He was all..

Dave: Fat girls are always the hardest to get into.

Me: Huh?

Dave: They have so many cracks that you don't know where to stick it in.

Me: You're supposed to roll them in flour right?

Dave: Heh, heh, yeah to find the wet spot. But even then you can't find their snatch.

Me: So this guy was kneeing her in the crotch and it was so awkward...

Dave: Fat girls are the worst.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Save It For Later

Dave: Yeah, so me and my girlfriend were at the bar down at the beach the other night.

Me: Oh yeah? That's good you got out.

Dave: Yeah, so this girl comes over at like 1:30 - and she's wicked drunk. I mean, she's like falling over - and she comes over and she's all hanging on my arm.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: And she's wicked cute too.

Me: Of course.

Dave: So the bouncer comes over and asks me if I want him to escort her out. I know the guy and I tell him she's fine, but then my girlfriend lurches across me to tell him to get her the fuck out of here so he takes her away.

Me: Aw, too bad.

Dave: But I go out on the beach to get some fresh air later right, and while I'm out there I hear some moaning. So I'm looking around to find out where it's coming from and I see it's that broad that got thrown out. She's face down in the sand passed out.

Me: I know where this is going.

Dave: He he, so I go over to where she is and she's all fucked up.

Me: Rough shape.

Dave: Yeah, so I pull out my dick. I'm gonna fuck this broad. She was cute.

Me: I know. You said that already.

Dave: So I'm standing over her when I hear, "Dave! Dave! What the fuck are you doing over there?" It's my girlfriend; she came looking for me. I told her I was taking a piss, "do you mind?"

Me: Smart.

Dave: Yeah, then she comes over and sees the drunk bitch there and says, "You were gonna fuck her weren't you!?"

Me: And you were.

Dave: Yeah but she didn't know that. I was gonna fuck her so hard. Stick it in her ear. Her mouth. I was gonna cum in her hair.

Me: That's called rape y'know.

Dave: Eh, not really.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

A Teachable Moment?

Me: Hey, did you hear about that Boston cop that was suspended over the racist email?

Dave: No.

Me: Okay you know about the arrest of the professor in Cambridge right?

Dave: Yeah.

Me: Well this guy called him a, "banana eating jungle monkey."

Dave: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Me: He sent this in an email to a reporter for the Boston Globe and the fucking retard forwarded it to his colleagues in the police and his National Guard unit.

Dave: That's funny.

Me: He's going to lose his job over it.

Dave: That ain't right.

Me: Why?

Dave: Because that guy was just a pre-racist looking for a racial thing.

Me: Pre-racist? What the fuck is that?

Dave: How the fuck am I supposed to know!?

Me: *snort*

Dave: I just think the guy was out looking for something racial so he could start trouble.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: Dumb nigger.

Me: Oh dear.

Monday, July 27, 2009

A Teachable Moment

Radio: Obama, Gates, Crowley, Beer.

Dave: What do you think about that?

Me: About what?

Dave: About what Obama said?

Me: Oh, is this about the arrest in Cambridge? I wasn't paying attention.

Dave: Yeah. I think he was wrong for blaming the cops. That's just fucked up.

Me: He didn't blame the cops..

Dave: Yeah he did! He said they were wrong for arresting him.

Me: Oh really? He said that?

Dave: Well, something like that. Why the fuck did he even get involved!? He needs to do his fucking job!

Me: I like how at a press conference about health care the last question was about this case.

Dave: Oh he knew that question was coming.

Me: That's why he used the word, "stupidly" - he knew it would play well.

Dave: I don't know but that guy is just an asshole. The cop was just doing his job whether the guy was white or black or whatever.

Me: Are you black?

Dave: What the fuck does that have to do with anything.

Me: Look, I've seen enough outright racism and subtle racism by some police officers that it's not out of the realm. One time in college I was over a friend's house on a Friday night; we were going to watch movies, order pizza and smoke blunts. Cops busted in and they shook everyone down - they frisked them, asked for ID's, and checked them for warrants. I was the only person not even acknowledged much less frisked and berated and I was also the only white person in the room. And this was out in liberal, la-la Amherst.

Dave: What? You think they didn't search you because you're white?

Me: What do you think?

Dave: Look, I don't give a fuck what color you are. I don't judge people by their skin color.

Me: HA!!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

I Got A Golden Ticket

TD BankNorth is changing their name to TD Bank and as such, the TD BankNorth Garden (the old Boston Garden, I mean Fleet Center) will be changing its name as well. To publicise the name change they were giving out 19,600 chocolate bars at the arena of which 5 contained golden tickets starting at noon today. Each ticket had an unbelievable prize with the grand prize being two tickets to every event at the Garden for the next two years.

Dave: Hey, did you hear that they're giving away chocolate bars with golden tickets?

Me: Yeah, they were talking about that on the radio but I still have no idea where to go to get one.

Dave: The big prize is free tickets to every show for 2009 and 2010.

Me: I know! That's awesome.

Dave: Every concert there you'd have free tickets.

Me: And Celtics and Bruins games.

Dave: Yeah. I'd sell all of the sports tickets on Ebay.

Me: Be careful with that. They may have a clause or something that you'll lose the tickets if you do that.

Dave: Okay then I'll do it all by cash only.

Me: Alright.

Dave: Oh man, with the luck I've been having this week on scratch tickets I know I'm going to get that golden ticket.

Me: "I've got a golden ticket!"

Dave: Heh, heh, heh.

Me: If I win I'm digging up Grandpa Joe's grave and bringing his corpse to every show.

Dave: You're gross.

Me: *snort*

Dave: Oh I can't wait. I'll take my girlfriend to all of the concerts.

Me: And the kids to the circus. The Ice Capades.

Dave: Oh that's right.

Me: And Monday Night Raw!

Dave: Oh my god! Those are all mine. You and me can go.

Me: Nice! Good looking out.


At 12:00 pm we left the job site in Chucktown to head to the Garden for our golden tickets. It was a very short ride but along the way Dave started yelling out his window to any car near us. I spent the whole ride giggling my ass off.

Dave: Stop following us, you're not getting our golden tickets!

Dave: The candy bars are all gone, go home!

Dave: You think you're gonna get my candy bar!? Fuck you! I'll fuck you up!

Dave: Oh, you think you're going to beat us to the candy bars!? Don't let him beat us to the candy bars!

Dave: Hey fatty, you don't need any chocolate!

As we crossed the bridge from Chucktown to the east end of the Garden we saw a huge crowd of people lining up from around the corner. Dave began yelling at them as we drove past and trying to avoid hitting douchebags that were walking in our lane.

Dave: Oh fuck. Is this the line?

Me: Holy shit! I wasn't expecting this.

Dave: Why the fuck weren't you? There's gotta be 100,000 people here.

Me: I just thought there'd be a few people in costumes handing out candybars.

Dave: The candy bars are all gone go home!

Dave: The candy bars are sold out your loss!

Dave: You guys are wasting your time the candy bars are all gone!

Dave: The line is back up over the bridge give up!

Dave: The line is miles long go home!

Dave: If you get the golden ticket I'm coming for you!

Dave: Hey, just pull over here and I'll cut in line.

Me: Really?

Dave: Yeah, who the fuck's gonna say anything to me? No one says anything to me because they know I'll fuck them up. And if that black dude (security guard) says anything I'll give him a dirty look.

We just maneuvered through the masses and headed back to the job site, giving up on our hopes and dreams.

Dave: Oh man, my girlfriend is going to be so upset. I was so planning on getting her those tickets.

(Editor's note: I totally fucked up. I drove over to the Garden (east end) at 11:30am to use their portapotties and then hang out for candy. Well the portapotties were gone and I had to really go so I turned around and headed back to the job site to use the doorinal. While there I decided to eat lunch and head back at noon. While at the Garden the first time there was no crowd and no indication of the candy bar promotion so I thought nothing of leaving. Had I traveled past the west end of the Garden I may have noticed that that was where the candy bars were happening and where the massive line would begin.)

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Dave's Weekend In Laconia Part V

Dave: So this one year I brought this girl with me who was like way younger than me.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: Yeah and while we were there she invited me into this public shower place, y'know it's just all concrete and tile and a bunch of shower heads.

Me: Okay.

Dave: So I think she wants me to go in there so she can give me a blowjob..

Me: Obviously.

Dave: So I go in there and she has 6 other girls there with scrub brushes so they can all bathe me.

Me: Dear Penthouse.

Dave: Oh my god it was so incredible.

Me: Some of my buddies I grew up with used to go at least once a week or more down to the casinos and at least one would always win big and when they were done gambling they'd drive up to Cheaters, one of the best flesh bars..

Dave: Flesh what? What?

Me: Strip club. So they'd stop there and stay until they closed and then they'd go to an Asian massage parlor. Before the massage they'd undress you and then shower/bathe you. My buddy used to brag about it after every trip about how great it was to have your privates washed by a stranger, "especially a female."

Dave: Yeah it is.

Me: And for at least a $30 tip they got to have a hand job after the massage or whatever their kink was - price could go up, depending.

Dave: Nice! Well this girl was so fucking um, I guess, alternative. She could go up to any girl and say, "I want to lick your pussy," and every single one would agree to it.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: Yeah, she was good. If I saw her today I'd beat her fucking face in the fucking cunt.

Me: ......

Dave: .....

Me: Oooo kaaaay.

Dave: What?

Me: .....

Dave: .....

Me: Okay what the fuck, are you going to tell me why you'll beat her fucking face in?