Monday, March 30, 2009

Copring a feel

Dave called in sick today so I have no current update. I worked with Worker #3 today and we had a great conversation about Dave and my blog and he told me a great story about him. I typed it out but realized after reading it that it's probably not best to post that story.

As such, here's a story he told myself and Worker #3 and we both laughed at and discussed today how untrue it most likely is:

Dave: One time when I was at Foxwoods this guy approached me and told me, "My wife wants to by your shit for $500." Can you believe that!?

Me: That didn't happen.

Dave: Why? Why would I make that up?

Me: I don't know. Why would you?

Dave: Why would I make up something like that?

Me: Ok, assuming this actually happened, the guy wanted to buy your poo not his wife.

Dave: Whatever, it happened.

Me: Ok Dave.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Stabbing Westward

I had recently bought a utility knife and had a chance to use it when we needed to cut some fabric on Friday but Dave stopped me.

Dave: Don't use your knife on that you'll ruin it.

Me: What am I supposed to use it for then?

Dave: You wanna keep it smooth so you can stab someone in a fight. Then whatcha do is you bang the knife on a curb or something and ding it up so forensics won't match. You get away with murder but you gotta make it count.

Me: You've been thinking long and hard about this.

Dave: He he he, yeah. *smiles*

Me: Good to know.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Turning Japanese in Chinatown, my Chinatown

Many days we leave the van running, either for the beacon because we're altering traffic or because we're charging instruments or running them directly off of the batery.


Dave: I just got a big inhale of the exhaust.

Me: That's probably not very good for us.

Dave: Yesterday (Editor's note: We didn't work together on Thursday and he worked on a very active construction site in a city) a Japanese woman was walking by covering her mouth and nose with both hands. What the fuck is that going to do? Maybe she's covering up her herpes; lip herpes. She reminded me of those Japanese people wearing masks.

Me: Ah, you mean over in Chinatown, right?

Dave: Yeah. I also saw one at Government Center.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Nom, nom, nom.

Discussing my bizarre behavior after being woken up on the couch from a sitting, sleeping position last night -

Dave: My girlfriend falls asleep on the couch at least a few times a week. I don't even bother waking her anymore to bring her to bed because she gets cranky. I just remove her pants and panties and lick her pussy; she doesn't even notice.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

My day with Jay

***My Days With Dave will not be shown tonight***

One of our 7 remaining workers called in sick today - actually, his daughter was sick so he had to stay home to care for her. As such, Dave split with me to work with someone else and I met up to work with the other crew we had scheduled for today. One of the people in my crew today was "Jay" - he's clearly no Dave but we have some funny interactions whenever we're together.

Me: Do you know what you're having for dinner tonight?

Jay: Leftovers!

Me: Nice. What do leftovers consist of?

Jay: Leftovers.

Me: Yeah, I'm fishing for ideas for my dinner tonight.

Jay: *Silence*

Me: *Silence*

Jay: *Silence*

Me: Hmmm.

Editor's Note: We're having roast beef (on a bed of onions and garlic), homemade gravy, mashed potatoes and sauteed asparagus with garlic.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

All I wann Do Is Stick My Zoom Zoom Zoom In Your Boom Boom

Today was a little light on blog worthy recital but here goes.

After passing an attractive woman,

Dave: Nice! No zooms. Wearing a pad though.

Me: Ok... zooms?

Dave: Zooms. It's what my buddy used to call underwear. He was going to come out with his own line of underwear called Zooms. It's too bad too 'cuz it would have caught on I think.


During a discussion about dietary habits and his girlfriend's kids poor eating habits he rags on her obese 7 year old son.

Dave: Her kids don't eat right. They eat nothing but junk and soda and Obeson is a big, fat fuck. The doctor says he shouldn't snack and have seconds but she lets him eat what he wants. He eats with his mouth open and snorts and shit because he can't breathe. She says it's because he's sick but it's because he's so fucking fat.

Me: He's going to lose his feet.

Dave: He's going to lose his toes by age 15 when he shouldn't be losing them until age 30. Wait, it shouldn't be until 50.

Me: Diabesity.

Worker #3: You should make him eat salad or something.

Dave: I want to have him graze in the front yard because he's a fucking cow.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Smoked Pickles

Today we had 3 workers - Dave, myself and worker #3. My quickie from earlier sets the scene for the morning as we head to Eastie for a day of digging bounds. The bound we were going to dig today was in an old railroad bed and there was a large fuel line nearby so the company wanted to be present. It turns out that the fuel line runs right below this bound and is probably no more than 3.5' below grade and Dave was not pleased. I fully expected him to dig and set the bound anyway despite the danger and liability. Surprisingly, he didn't force the issue and we proceeded to move the tools and the 235lb (worker #3 calculated the weight today and it's more than the estimated weight) granite bound up the steep embankment. Dave was pissed that we had to call this guy Mark and he wasted our time.

Dave: What the fuck? We just wasted half the day waiting for this guy and we can't set it. Gotta call Mark The Homo!

Me: Mark DiHomo? Is that spelled with a d-i or a d-e?

Dave: D-I for DICK!!!!!


Some time later after scrambling for new work that justifies a 3-man crew I had to make a U-turn by going around the block. On this trip, Dave was doing his usual oral recitations of signs we pass.

Dave: Frank..fort.. Street. Hot dog. We're on Hot Dog Street, ha ha ha. Hot Dog Street.................................. For... Rent... Hey, Sniffa you could move there.

Worker #3: If you lived here you'd be home by now.

Me: Ha, but Dave would hate me. Right?

Dave: Yeah.

Me: And why would you hate me?

Editor's Note: Dave has been complaining almost daily for the last month as we worked in this area that the place makes him sick and gives him a headache.

Dave: Because of the homo's. This place is full of them.

Editor's Note: East Boston is not known for its gay population. It's rather miniscule actually.

Me: Ok, um, why do think this place is full of homo's?

Dave: Because of the parks. There's one right there, and the one next to it and the one up the street. It's where the pickle smoochers like to go.

Me: What!? Ok, please feel free to explain.

Dave: It's where the pickle smoochers like to go. They like to go to parks and smooch each others pickles. Pickle smoochers.

Me: Oh dear!

Dave: I'm not kidding! one time I was heading back from Maine from a party - and I was all fucked up - and I pulled into a rest stop to take a nap. No lie I woke up and there was this dude knocking on my window. He wanted to suck my dick. I tolk him, "If I wasn't so tired I'd made you look not human you fucking queer!" He walked away all like, "I love you."

Me: *gasp* Oh, wow!


During the above exchange I began texting my wife (practice for Twitter) a string of words so I'd have a memory jogger on what Dave said/did today. Once I finished sending it the following conversation took place:

We were discussing our boss' new habit of wearing and using a blue-tooth and I mentioned how I always think that people talking on them are raving lunatics because their ear piece never seems to be facing me.

Dave: Yeah the other day this big, fat broad was wearing one in Home Depot and she said to me, "I'm not talking to myself, but I am lonely." I told her I'd ,"take her back into the changing room and show her what I'm made of. I'll fuck every fat fucking crack on you."

Me: *starts a new text*

Bonus: Dave's urinary habits (Reposted from 3/23/09)

Reposted from 3/23/09.

As urban surveyors, we have to find creative ways to relieve ourselves after 2 big cups of coffee and however many bottles of water. The most common way to achieve this is to open the van door for blockage and using a catch basin or just the ground. During Dave's first go at this maneuver today he called my attention to view the dark color of his urine as well as to comment on its smell. As I looked I noticed it dripping around the border of the door.

Me: What the fuck!? Are you pissing on my door!?

Dave: Yeah. Heh heh heh.

Me: What the fuck is your problem!? I don't want to smell that shit.

Dave: Hee hee hee. *wipes down inside of door with his outer pant leg*

Later on in the day Dave uses the doorinal again and I actually turn to watch because of the last occasion. I see the same thing happening.

Me: Arrgh!! What the fuck are you doing!!? You're pissing on my door again!

Dave: Heh heh heh, yeah. It wasn't my fault. Whenever I shake it when I'm done that happens. *wipes down inside of door with his outer pant leg*

Me: You suck.


I totally didn't think to include this today and just mentioned it to my wife. The following conversation just took place:

Me: Yeah, Dave, pee, dumb, etc.

Wife: Oh my god, that's disgusting. And you're going to be picking me up in that thing tomorrow?

Me: Yeah.

Wife: May I suggest you open the door for me from the inside?

Me: Oh, he peed on the inside of the door not the outside.

Wife: Eeeew! Can I sit in the back?

Me: You can. He wiped it down with his leg.

Wife: Can I just say I fucking hate Dave.

Urine Follow-Up

I'm working on my homework right now in hopes of finishing it as soon as possible so I can watch Obama and update the blog with today's gems. In case that doesn't happen, here's a quickie:

When I went to pick up Dave at Dave's parking spot near the highway (along with a 3rd worker) we had this conversation when they opened the doors to get in:

Dave: What the fuck Sniffa, it smells like cat pee in here. I told you to stop letting the cats pee on you but I know you like that.

Me: Actually, it's because you were pissing on the fucking door yesterday asshole.

Dave: Oh yeah, ha ha ha ha. I forgot about that.

Me: Yeah, real fucking funny dick. You get to sit next to it.

Dave: It wasn't my fault though. I got the shivers and some got on the door.

Me: No you didn't. I saw you piss on the fucking door. You weren't even trying for the ground.

Dave: Yeah, ha ha ha ha ha.

Me: Fuck you.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Dave on fire - 3/23/09

Today was a day rich with stupidity, offensiveness, and irony.

Dave gets to work today (almost an hour late) and the first words out of his mouth were:

Dave: I drowneded my phone.

Me: Huh?

Dave: I drowneded my phone. I did laundry this weekend and I left it in my pocket.

Me: That sucks.

Dave: Yeah. I dried it out for a day and I plugged it in and it kinda worked fine. But as soon as I unplugged it it stopped working so it's obviously the battery.

Me: That doesn't sound like it's just the battery if you sent it through the wash.

Dave: Well it worked while plugged in so it's just the battery.

We part ways as I go to pick up our coffees and then drive to meet Dave at our designated Dave parking space. I have him park near the highway so we don't have to return to Cambridge at the end of the day and extend my commute 1 hour +. Dave proceeds to show me his phone which is now in at least 8 pieces.

Dave: I had to total my phone.

Me: Why?

Dave: I have insurance for the phone so I want to bring it in for a new one.

Me: Really? Sending it through the wash wasn't enough to qualify for a replacement.

Dave: Well it works when it's plugged in so I didn't wanna take that chance.

Me: Makes sense.

Dave: Yeah.


We were setting a granite bound today to mark a property corner which involves digging a 4.5' deep hole and then carefully placing a 210lb granite bound in the center and burying it. We had been digging for about 2 hours in tough circumstances (it took us all day to bury this one bound - we usually bang out 2-3 a day) and took a break in the van for heat, hydration and nourishment. There happened to be a state crew working next to us all day on the bridge above us and Dave asked me if they would be a problem with us smoking weed there. Then, the following conversation actually took place:

Dave: Do you think we'll get in trouble if we smoke weed here?

Me: Um, yeah. It's probably not a good idea. The foreman's all buddy buddy with us now and the wind is blowing that way. I could go for a ride.

Dave: What are you crazy!? We can't leave that hole open! Knowing my luck some dumb nigger will end up falling in it and dying. If that happens I'm breaking out the machete. Ha, ha, we'll cut him up into pieces and bury him with the bound... with his hand and his butt sticking out of the ground, ha ha ha ha. Here's your big, dumb, brown bound. Ha ha ha.

Me: *dead silence as I furiously text my wife what just came out of his mouth*


A short time after our break we were paid a visit from the state employee who was in charge of the park we were setting the corner on. The official in the official looking state agency jacket gave us some crap about being on his property. He actually wasn't too bad aside from his self-importance and we hung out for a bit and shot the shit. He informed us that he got this gig because of his background in landscaping. Of course, I made fun of him when he left.

Me: Wow, a background in landscaping? That's impressive. There's only about 1 million illegal immigrants and day laborers with that same resume.

Dave: HA HA HA HA. I can't believe you just said that!? That's so wrong! HA HA HA HA.

Me: What?

Dave: Illegal immigrants! HA HA HA HA! That's just so wrong.

Me: You have such a strange sense of social mores.

Dave: Huh?

Me: Exactly


Dave has a habit of reading out loud every single sign he sees. It annoys the piss out of me but without it, I would not have had this:

After passing an L.A. Fitness gym -

Dave: La fitness. Heh, it must be owned by some Spanish guy.

Me: *snort*

Thursday, March 19, 2009

How many is a Brazillion?

While in the van, the radio mentions New Jersey's controversial attempt to ban the Carnivale Wax...

Dave: What? They can't shave their beavers? Their beaves? They just gonna let it grow all bushy.. and have their snatch hairs poking out of their panties? That's gross. Blech!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Hail To The Bus Driver, The Bus Driver Man

Today we were traveling down a two way street behind a short school bus that was driving incredibly slow and lurching out into the other lane and then toward the curb, and back and forth with several stops.

Me: What the fuck is he doing?

Dave: He hasn't had his 8 shots of blackberry brandy yet. He's got the shakes. I fucking hate bus drivers! But school bus drivers are the worst. The only reason they have their shit job is because they haven't gotten a DUI yet but it's just a matter of time.

Bonus racism today.

Dave: Smile so I can see ya. That is one dark colored nigger.

Bonus Dave being smart. He went on at length about AIG and corrected me on a point about the bonuses. I was stunned. He also forced me to learn how to use a plumb bob correctly which I figured out after failing miserably and him showing me the proper technique.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

St. Patrick's Day

On Friday, March 13, 2009.

Dave: Are you taking St. Patrick's Day off.

Me: No.

Dave: I'm surprised; I thought you'd not come in then.

Me: Why? I'm not Irish.

Dave: I know, but you like to drink.

Me: This is true.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Random musings from Dave on 3/16/09

After a loud talking white woman and black man wearing a do-rag passed us by -

Dave: The salt and pepper crew. She's alright. I'd do her. She sounds like a mouth though...... Hey! He's wearing a pirate hat, ha ha ha ha. He's a pirate.

Relaying his Saturday night aboard a party bus to Providence and the flesh bar they ended the night at.

Dave: At about 2 when the strip club was closing the Bro's showed up. The brothers. Puerto Ricans and the blacks. They were obviously the girls pimps. One guy took two girls into a Ferrarri or something.


Dave: There was a black stripper who was cute for a black girl. You woulda liked her.


Dave: I can't do coke anymore so I only did a line and about 7 bullets.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

About the Iraqi shoe thrower, Muntadher al-Zaidi

Dave: Why did he do that?

Me: Because we invaded his country and fucked their shit up?

Dave: But I thought they wanted our help?

Me: *laughter*

Dave: What?

Me: Really?

Dave: What the fuck, we're there to help them.

Me: He's upset we invaded their country and destroyed their infrastructure as well as murdering their people.

Dave: What the fuck? If they don't want our help we should just leave. Why are we still there if they're so ungrateful?

Me: Good question, Dave.

Dave: If they don't appreciate our help we should just leave and let them rebuild their own fucking country. Why should we have to pay for that shit?

Me: Good point.

Dave: Exactly!

Me: Right. Now, let's get back to work.

About suicide

Dave: My girlfriend's ex husband killed himself.

Me: Really?

Dave: Yeah. That's so selfish and cowardly. How could you do that to your kids.

Me: I know. That's fucked up.

Dave: People who commit suicide should be shot.

Me: Before or after they commit suicide.

Dave: Both.

Me: Makes sense.

Dave: Yeah.

About several Red Sox players playing in the WBC

Dave: What the fuck!? Why are they playing for other countries?

Me: That's we're they're from. They're playing for their home countries.

Dave: They should play for America. Why isn't David Ortiz playing for America?

Me: He is from the Dominican Republic. I don't even know if he's an American citizen.


Me: I'm not sure about him Dave, but most of the participants aren't citizens.


Me: They're playing baseball. What the fuck do you think they're doing?

Dave: That ain't right.

Me: Why?

Dave: If you come to our country you speak English or get the fuck out.

Me: Ok Dave.

About a 15 year old girl found dead in a pond

Dave: What the fuck!? Why did her parents let her out at that hour?

Me: She was at a sleepover Dave.

Dave: I always know where my kids are!

Me: Yeah, she was at a sleepover.

Dave: What kind of parents let their kids go to a sleepover?

Me: *silence*

Dave: Why did the other parents let her leave in the middle of the night?

Me: Really!?

Dave: Yeah.

Me: *silence*

Dave: *silence*

Me: *silence*

Dave: So how did she end up in that pond? Maybe she was kidnapped and then raped and thrown in the pond.

Me: Having some fantasies there Dave?

Dave: NO!

About another driver he ran off the road

Dave: So this guy is riding my ass today and flashing his lights so I eventually get over and out of his way and as he passes, he gives me the finger. Well I was not in a good mood so I immediately get right behind him and gun it. I'm going like 90 and I'm so close I can't see his plate. So the guy hits his brakes - and I knew he was going to do that so I was already hitting mine - and I just barely hit his outside bumper. He spins out of control and goes into the ditch. I said, "Oh shit, how am I going to get out of this?" So I called 911 and reported seeing a drunk driver. I gave them my name too to make it look good.

Me: Oh, that's perfectly rational behavior.

Dave: You think so?

Me: Oh yeah.

Dave: Ok, good.

About a lesbian at his gym

Dave: Yeah, so the girl who massages me at the gym is a dyke.

Me: Wow! That's amazing!

Dave: Full blown even.

Me: *eye daggers*

Dave: And it's too bad too 'cuz she's cute. I'd do her.

Me: Her loss Dave, her loss.

Dave: Yeah.

About proposed taxes on junk food in Ma.

Dave: What the fuck!? I thought we fought the British so we didn't have to pay them taxes!?

Me: Uh, we're not paying them taxes.

Dave: Yeah, now we're paying our own jerks.

Me: Yeah, and it's keeping us employed right now.

Dave: Pretty soon people aren't going to stand for this anymore. Boston Tea Party.

Me: What?

Dave: We revolutioned once and it's gonna happen again.

Me: Are you on crack?

Dave: What?

Me: Are you on crack?

Dave: Why?

Me: *chuckles*

Dave: We revolutioned once and it's going to happen again. I'm ready to start a militia.

Me: Ok, Dave.

Dave: It won't happen in my lifetime but it's coming.