Friday, May 29, 2009

White Meat, Dark Meat, You Just Can't Lose

We were working in one of the large minority areas of Boston yesterday.

Me: Y'know, I grew up in a very diverse community and when we were young we all hung out together. As we grew up we started to segregate by race.

Dave: Why is that? That always happens. I think it's just a learned environment thing.

Me: I think so too. All of the older kids went through the same thing.

Dave: That's so weird that that happens.

Me: It also comes from your parents..

Dave: No! It doesn't come from your parents. It comes from something else. My parents weren't racists.

Me: You didn't exactly grow up in a place that was diverse....

Dave: The last time I was here - you weren't working with me yet - I saw this black chick who was smoking!

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: Yeah, she was wearing tight, tight jeans and her ass was so fucking hot - and I love asses!

Me: So you've told me.

Dave: Yeah, so I say, "Ooh, hot chocolate." and she heard me!

Me: No way!

Dave: And she says, "Thank you," and smiles at me.

Me: Of course - why wouldn't she?

Dave: Mmm, mm dark meat. I've never had dark meat before but if I was going to she'd be one of them.

Me: I kind of figured that.

Dave: Imagine that, bringing a black person home to meet your parents. "Hi mom, here's this black broad - I'm gonna marry her." Oh my god, it would break my mother's heart.

Me: Really?

Dave: Yeah. That's what my daughter does to me. All she dates is blacks and Puerto Ricans. Why can't she just fucking date white people!?

Me: I didn't know you had many blacks or Puerto Ricans where you live.

Dave: Oh yeah we do. 

Me: What's the population of your town again?

Dave: Uh, about 8000. 

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

If You See Me Walking Down The Street

Me: S
o my wife and I decide to go putt-putt on Memorial Day and were sadly disappointed to find out that a brazillion people had the same idea. Many of them with small children who were especially bad and a family who decided to play each hole one person at a time, 3 groups ahead of us.

Dave: Oh, I don't know why you tried to do that. We went to the batting cages and it was mobbed. 

Me: I know. But we decided to play putt-putt and we had traveled all the way there. 

Dave: That sucks. I don't know if I could have done that for something as boring as putt-putt.

Me: So the group behind us was annoying by hole 2. There was a woman with two males playing in the group behind us. The youngest male who was probably in his teens, but possibly early twenties had no sense of personal space and constantly chased our putts and got really close to us. He was constantly getting so fucking close to us. The other male remained about 2 inches away from us at all times, even while we were putting. We kept moving away from him a few inches at a time and he kept moving closer. I had just assumed that he was also mentally challenged but my wife had overheard them talking and close-guy was the husband and father. He wasn't challenged but he was an economist according to said overheard conversation.

Dave: Economist? That's his problem right there. What the fuck is an economist? 

Me: Ha! So we were having a great, long, long, long time through 8 holes when we reached a 6 group backup on hole 9. The people still flailing away on the green were the same group fucking up while we were finishing up hole 6. They refused to give up. Fuck it, you had to wait 10-15 minutes for every hole so why not finish each one.

Dave: I couldn't do that. 

Me: I normally can't either. So we were having a great, long, long, long time through 8 holes when we reached a 6 group backup on hole 9. The people still flailing away on the green were the same group fucking up while we were finishing up hole 6. They refused to give up. 

Dave: What fucking assholes. 

Me: Fuck it, you had to wait 10-15 minutes for every hole so why not finish each one. So on hole 9 we wait about 20-30 minutes for this fuck up group to finish. It was a really hard hole and the following groups took a long time to finish but nowhere near as long.

Dave: Okay.

Me: So it's finally our turn and I luckily hit a miracle shot on stroke three and my wife is failing to get it in the hole. She's on about shot 7 or so (the hole was a side hill so when you miss you miss badly) and the mom starts yelling out to us, "The maximum is 6 shots!!" My wife acknowledges her but then goes back to putting. As she's hitting her next putt the woman starts walks out onto our green yelling again more obnoxiously that the rules state that you only get 6 shots. "You only get six shots!!! Helooooo!!! Six!!! Pick it up!! Pick up!! Helloooo!! Pick up!!"

Dave: What the fuck?

Me: So my wife shoots her a look and picks up her ball. It totally ruined the day. I couldn't even keep score anymore because I was so angry and wanting to stay as far away from the socially awkward family. Actually, I wanted to make a huge fucking scene but my wife wouldn't let me. 

Dave: I would have told the bitch to sit down!

Me: I wanted to hang around so I could punch the father in the face.

Dave: Ha ha ha, real nice you are. Real nice.

Me: Heh, yeah but I just wanted to finish the round and get as far away from them as possible. It was so stressful as each hole I worried about going over six shots. 

Dave: Oh that sucks but I know what you mean.

Me: We checked the rules and there was no 6 shot limit. It was just their "house rules" they were trying to impose on us. And the weird thing was is that we were openly mocking them, and scorning them. I made sure to keep my back to them the rest of the round... And the fucker was still resting his fucking chin on my shoulder and blowing in my ear.

Dave: I would have have elbowed him or turned and coughed in his face. That's what I did to this guy who was too close to me in Dunkin's. I turned and hocked a loogey right in his face.

Me: Heh, maybe I'll try that next time. 

Dave: Do it. Especially now with the swine flu panic.

Me: Right? I just can't believe how socially awkward they were. It's one thing for the son to act like that, but the father? The economist?

Dave: Fucking weird.

Me: Fucking geek. He was wearing a hat awkwardly, short shorts and black socks with sandals.

Dave: Hey, I do that!

Me: Ha ha ha, really? 

Dave: Yeah.

Me: Ha ha! But the guy was so fucking odd. And what the fuck, they didn't even attempt to control their son but after the way the parents acted I shouldn't have expected them to know anything about personal space.

Dave: I'm scared of retards.

Me: Why's that?

Dave: I don't know. I'm just terrified of retards. If I see a retard coming at me I cross the street.

Me: He might steal your purse.

Dave: No, that's not it. I don't know why I'm just scared. I think I caught it from this guy I used to work with. He hated them.

Me: No shit. The Stop & Shop I go to hires a bunch of mentally challenged people - mainly for bagging and tracking down carts. 

Dave: They're okay at that.

Me: There's this one guy who's a bagger who talks to everyone. He just shoots the shit and talks nonstop even if the person doesn't acknowledge him. I try to avoid his line but one time I ended up in it and the guy in front of me ignored his chatter. Well he flipped out about it and started smashing my groceries and then my bags of groceries. It's a good thing I didn't buy eggs.

Dave: That ain't right.

Me: Yeah and I try to avoid him more now. They have this other young guy who has Downs and he has such a chip on his shoulder. He's one of the cart guys and tracks down those carts for fat people.

Dave: Oh right I know those.

Me: Yeah, well the guy tries to run people down. He gets in and drives and doesn't slow down or steer - you get the fuck out of the way or get hit. I like him.

Dave: Ha ha ha. The gym I work out at used to hire them to clean and shit. Well one of them went into the bathroom and wiped shit all over the walls. He actually put feces in his hands and wiped it on the walls. 

Me: Eww.

Dave: Yeah I went to the desk and told them about it and they didn't believe me. So I'm there trying to tell them and some guy comes out of the bathroom puking. 

Me: No shit.

Dave: Yeah, so they don't hire the mentally challenged anymore. 

Monday, May 25, 2009

Pirates Of The Charles

Several times a day we encounter one of Boston's duck boats that take visitors on a tour of the city. Many days the drivers dress in theme costumes and the drivers were dresseed as pirates on this day.

Dave: Hey, the guy is dressed like a pirate.

Me: The driver?

Dave: Yeah.

Me: Arrrrrgh
Dave: Arrrrgh.

Me: I want to see one of the other duck boats pull along side it and board it.

Dave: Ha, right.

Me: Have the tourists walk the plank.

Dave: We should do that. Put a ladder from the rack of our van to their boat.

Me: We can use our machetes as swords.

Dave: We can rob them; take all of their wallets and make them jump in the Charles River. Then we'll leave them in the water and blow up the boat.

Me: Oh, the places you'll go. 

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Oh, Oh, I So Horny

Dave tells lots of stories. He tells the same story more than once if it's one of his favorites and the story usually changes each time in facts and conclusions. This is one of those stories he told me on Friday for at least the third time if not more. This time there were different facts but the conclusion and the quote remained the same. "I so horny" is the common thread along with Dave being turned off; this is the first time dates and tree stand entered the equation. 

Dave: So I was working out at the gym and there's this really hot blonde that's been talking to me. She's about 40.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: Yeah, I so want to fuck her. She told me her name but I already can't remember it. 

Me: I have that problem too. Just ask her again.

Dave: It's right on the tip of my tongue. It's... it's... fuck, I can't remember.

Me: Is it Claire?

Dave: No.

Me: You sure?

Dave: Yeah.

Me: Marie? It's gotta be Marie.

Dave: Hmm. No, that's not it either.

Me: Like I said, just ask her.

Dave: I'm gonna ask the gym manager. He knows everyone.

Me: There you go.

Dave: I used to work out at this other place and there was this hot Asian bitch there. She was Phillipino right. 

Me: Okay.

Dave: I so wanted to fuck her. So I take her out on a date - and this is when I started dating my girlfriend right - and I take her out to check on my tree stand. So we're out in the woods all alone and she says to me, "I. So. Hor-ney." Ha ha ha ha ha ha, I couldn't stop laughing. It was such a turn-off. I mean, I was totally turned-off. 

Me: Heh.

Dave: I was so, I don't know... turned off I guess. 

Me: Right.

Dave: So I took her out again - again, I was still dating my girlfriend - and we went dancing. She spent the whole night dancing with..

Me: Another guy?

Dave: No, fifteen other girls.

Me: Nice.

Dave: So I decided that this wasn't going to work out. 

Me: That's too bad.

Dave: So we went out again a third time. I took her out to dinner and a movie. And then I fucked her so hard! I fucked her sideways.

Me: Ooh, high score for difficulty.

Dave: Huh... So after I'm done I dump her ass... It turns out she's married! Ha ha ha ha.

Me: You two had a lot in common.

Dave: Not really. 

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Dick In A Box

Me: Yeah, so I finally made those breaded chicken cutlets. 

Dave: How were they? 

Me: Oh they were so good. I have about 8 with me for lunch. 

Dave: Nice

Me: I have the leftover Rice-a-Roni too. I was slumming it.

Dave: I like Rice-a-Roni.

Me: Yeah I have cravings for it sometimes. I was home early enough yesterday to cook the chicken before leaving for school which was great because I don't cook after class - I'm just too exhausted then. I was supposed to make that meal the night before but as it came closer to cooking time I kept knocking off dishes because I didn't feel like making the effort. It's hard to get up the effort to cook for just myself. 

Dave: Why!? Is your wife out there again!?

Me: Yeah.


Me: Uh,

Dave: I DON'T KNOW HOW THE FUCK YOU LIVE LIKE THAT!!. I just couldn't do it! I need to have sex EVERY DAY! 

Me: That's impressive for a man your age.

Dave: Heh heh heh heh. Yeah but I can't go a day without it. My girlfriend is now walking sideways away from me. She knows if she shows her ass, tits or crotch I'm gonna grab her. She won't even spend a day away because she knows I'll be off fucking anything that moves. Whenever she has her period she thinks I'm out cheating on her.... she's right.

Me: Awesome.

Dave: She's been holding out on me. I told her I was gonna fuck the cat if she didn't knock it off.

Me: *snort*

Dave: Now the cat is walking sideways away from me.

Me: Like a crab?

Dave: Heh heh heh, yeah, like a crab, heh heh heh. 

(Editor's note: the preceding conversation followed this exchange hours earlier)


Dave: I'm texting with my girlfriend - I'm trying to get her to send me a picture of her box.

Me: Ah, her box to your inbox.

Dave: Ha ha ha ha, I never even thought of that, ha ha ha. Yeah she's all like, "I'm at work!" and I'm like, "Just shove the fucking phone down your snatch and take the fucking picture!"

Me: That's pretty classy.

Dave: Heh heh heh heh, I know, I'm a pig.

Me: Admitting it's the first step.

Dave: I can't help it. 

Me: You have a disease, damn it!

Dave: I do. 

Monday, May 18, 2009

Stream Of Conciousness

Me: Worker #3's going to do research for that property line job we got. I'm bummed - I wanted to do that. 

Dave: Why?

Me: Because I need to work on property lines if I'm ever going to go for my PLS. Besides, I'm the one who took the class on it. I wanted to take my new skills out for a test drive.

Dave: I know how to do research.

Me: I'm sure you do, but most companies don't do it correctly. You have so much liability you carry so you're supposed to cover all of your bases and do research in a very specific manner.

Dave: I just know what to look for.

Me: Well, you've been doing it forever.

Dave: Yeah but I can't go into the registry no more.

Me: Why?

Dave: Because I always have a boner. The bitches in there are so hot. If I worked there I'd have to have a desk job to hide it.

Me: Ha!

Dave: I've never been in the Cambridge registry.

Me: I have a few times.

Dave: Yeah, when I used to work with Kenny and Spenny we had to come up here once for research. They went in to do the research and I hung out by the van watching all the hot bitches coming and going from the court house. I was all steroided out then and looking good - and you know, they make me so horny. 

Me: Yeah you've told me.

Dave: Well I'm standing there and this girl comes out of the apartment right there and says, "Woah, you're big. Wanna come inside?"

Me: Riiiight.

Dave: No, I'm not lying. 

Me: Sure you're not.

Dave: So I'm up there in her apartment smoking pot and watching Kenny and Spenny looking around for me. Oh, and I got a blowjob.

Me: I figured this story would have that ending.

Dave: So I come outside and I'm all smiling because I'm wicked baked. Oh, and because I just got a blowjob

Me: Right.

Dave: I tell them what happened and they're all like, "no sir," and I'm like, "yes sir," and they're like, "no sir." And then we look up and she's in the window and she goes like this - *pantomimes flashing his moobs*

Me: I'm sure that happened.

Dave: I'm not lying. Ask Spenny

Me: Okay. I will.

Dave: Kenny was all mad at me because I didn't bring him up there. But fuck him - I don't bring him anywhere anymore. He's a fucking scumbag.

Me: Heh, why's that?

Dave: He always wants to go out with me and I went out with him once to a pub right. And at the end of the night I give him my share of the bill to pay and he tried to walk out. Well he got caught and he tried to blame me. I just said, "Look, I gave him my share of the bill and he tried to walk out." He was wicked drunk and I was sober. He's a wicked loser.

Me: Does Kenny have a mustache?

Dave: No! He actually started growing a goatee like mine's. And he went and got his hair cut like mine's.

Me: The crew cut?

Dave: Yeah! And he started dressing like me. He never wore shorts before until he started working with me.

Me: Well I never wore shorts to work until I started working with you.

Dave: Really? Yeah, Spenny noticed it too and told me, "yeah, look at Kenny trying to be like you."

Me: You should have started wearing Hawaiian shirts.

Dave: No way, that's so gay. My brother wears them all the time and I always tell him how gay he looks. 

Me: I can picture Hawaiian shirts going well with your brother's mustache.

Dave: Ha ha ha ha.........  but yeah, that really happened. 

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Red Light, Green Light

Dave: I don't know why you always stop at this light.

Me: Because the light's red.

Dave: It's stupid. There's nobody here.

Me: Red means stop.

Dave: I never stop at this light. I always go through it.

Me: That's why I drive. 

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Davey And Goliath

Me: So we watched this French horror movie last night. It was about French, Neo-Nazi cannibals.

Dave: How was it?

Me: Oh it was great. It was so fucking gory and I love that shit. In one scene the elderly, Neo-Nazi cannibal takes a pair of loppers and cuts some guy's tendon's behind his ankle.

Dave: Ewww!

Me: Yeah I almost puked in my mouth. 

Dave: That's the achilles right?

Me: Yeah.

Dave: They say if you cut them you'll never be able to walk again for life.

Me: Or run.

Dave: It's like that story, Davey And Goliath. Davey took down Goliath - a giant - by hitting him in the ankle with a slingshot. 
Me: Oh right. 

Dave: I don't know, I think that's a fallacy. Hitting someone in the ankle? 

Me: You're probably right.

Dave: I think it would be a good idea for Myth Busters.

Me: You should suggest it to them.

Dave: Nah, I don't fucking care that much.... Hey, do you know how Dunkin' Donuts sponsors Dustin Pedroia

Me: No, I had no idea. 

Dave: Yeah, they've been sponsoring him for two years.

Me: Oh okay, I had no idea.

Dave: Yeah, so they have this new commercial, right. Pedroia's out in a field and he's sipping a coffee and tossing a ball up in the air over and over - minding his own business. 

Me: Right.

Dave: And this big giant comes out to the field and because he's drinking a Dunkin's with a turbo shot he's able to hit a baseball into the gian't head and knock him out.

Me: Oh! Okay I know which commercial you're talking about now.

Dave: Yeah. But why did he hit him in the head? He's supposed to hit the giant in the ankle. 

Me: I think it's definitely time to go to Myth Busters. 


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Random Racist Musings Episode I

When driving around Boston Dave not only likes to read aloud every sign he sees he also has to make a comment about every person we pass. His comments about fat people and women are awful but this entry will focus solely on some of his racist comments from recently. Our windows are rolled all the way down during our rides (unless it's raining).


While passing a black surveyor working in Eastie.

Dave: Nice tan, BOY. Oh wait - You're black. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Me: Really!?

Dave: Ha ha ha ha.

Me: Fucking really!? Dude, the guy's a surveyor; at least give him respect because he's a fellow surveyor if anything. 

Dave: Yeah, a token surveyor. We used to have one of those. 


While passing a rather attractive black woman in the Financial District.

Dave: OOOOOOOH, chocolate MAMA!!

Me: *sigh*

Dave: What? She was attractive. And she was black.

Me: Oh, I had no idea. Thanks.

Dave: You're welcome.

While passing some randome black woman.

Dave: Where's the bone?

Me: Huh?

Dave: Where's the bone!?

Me: The bowl's in the ashtray. Did you roll a joint?

Dave: No, her! Look at her! She's missing the bone in her nose.

Me: *gasp*

Dave: There should be one in her hair too.

Me: Like the Flintstones?

Dave: Ha ha ha! I never even thought of that! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Radio Free Boston

Radio: Thank you for listening, this has been the Stephanie Miller Show.

Dave: Fuck Stephanie! Fuck her! Who the fuck is she?

Me: She's Stephanie Miller, radio host. It's my wife's favorite show.

Dave: Well fuck her! Fuck Stephanie! I'll fuck her!

Me: *snort*

Dave: I don't know why the fuck you listen to AM radio. Why the fuck do you listen to AM radio?

Me: Why the fuck do you listen to the classic rock station?

Dave: Because it's good and not boring!

Me: You're old. 

Dave: Yeah I am. 

Monday, May 11, 2009

Empty Nest

Dave: I don't know what's going on with me - I keep getting hot flashes and low grade fevers. Sometimes I feel like I'm gonna pass out. It's not good.

Me: It's probably menopause.

Dave: You think? I don't know what's going on.

Me: You're almost 50, it's probably menopause.

Dave: Man, that sucks.

Me: Yeah but it's just the next stage in your life.

Dave: I guess.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Hold The Guac

Me: We're having Mexican for dinner tonight.

Dave: I love Mexican food.

Me: Yeah, I've been craving it after seeing your taco salad over and over for lunch.

Dave: Oh I love taco salad. Yesterday was good but while I was eating it I realized something wasn't right; I forgot to put the sour cream in there.

Me: That sucks. My wife makes a really good homemade guacamole -

Dave: Huh?

Me: Guacamole - but we usually only get one meal out of it so I was talking to her about making a smaller amount. By the next day it's already getting funky and it just sits in the fridge for weeks until I really resent having to clean it out.

Dave: Is that why they call it "cacamole"?

Me: Obviously.

Dave: What the fuck kind of name is that anyway? Who the fuck came up with that name? It had to be a foreigner.

Me: Obviously.

Swiney Flu Was An Inside Job

Dave: Fuck! I knew I shouldn't have answered my phone.

Me: Why?

Dave: That was my girlfriend. Her daughter has hay fever wicked bad right, and when it gets bad she spikes a fever.

Me: Okay.

Dave: So at school today she spiked a fever to 101 but an hour later it was only 99. So they send her home because of the Swiney Flu.

Me: Okay.

Dave: My girlfriend was half-way to work when she had to turn around and get her daughter. All because of the fucking Swiney Flu. It's no worse than the regular flu.

Me: Okay.

Dave: They isolated the fucking kid. They kept her in a room by herself. The nurse wouldn't even go in without a mask and gloves. What the fuck is that? This whole fucking Swiney Flu thing isn't real. It's being made up by the media to get everyone in a panic and make money.

Me: The media is not your friend.

Dave: You got that right!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Douchebag Lama

Me: Hey, you know the Dali Lama is in town?

Worker #3: Yeah he was down in Foxboro.

Me: Yeah and he was wearing a Patriots' hat.

Worker #3: I saw that.

Dave: WHO. THE FUCK. IS THAT? Douchebag Lama? Or whatever the fuck you just said.

Me: He's the leader of the world's Tibetan Buddhists.

Dave: Huh?

Me: He's also the leader of the Tibetan government in-exile.

Dave: Whatever the fuck that is.

Me: And China wants him dead.

Dave: Why?

Me: Because China likes killing people.

Monday, May 4, 2009

An Inconvenient Truth

Dave: Would you like a cookie? They're all natural.

Me: What makes them all natural? They look like any other mass produced sandwich cookie.

Dave: I don't know but that's what it says.

Me: It's probably filled with hydrogenated oils and shit like that.

Dave: I think anything that man can make is all natural.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: Yeah. And who's to say that years from now all the polution we're making isn't actually good for us.

Me: Wow!

Dave: I'm just saying. We don't know.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

All The News That's Fit To Ignore

Dave: So are you gonna be sad when the Boston Globe shuts down?

Me: Yeah. I read it everyday. What the hell am I going to read in the bathroom now? I'm not gonna read the Herald.

Dave: I used to have a real problem with reading the newspaper. I had to get it every day and read it from front to back just like you.

Me: Oh, that's a problem?

Dave: Yeah it is. I was finally able to wean myself off and now I don't give a fuck what's going on.

Me: *snort*

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Skid Row

Me: Yeah, so my wife is coming home on Friday for an Honor's dinner; she's getting an award. She intimated to me the other day that she wanted me to drive her there and home. For a compromise I'm driving her there and she's finding her own way home.

Dave: Why aren't you going?

Me: I'm not a student.

Dave: You should be there to support her; and open up her ass.

Me: Uh, I don't think I can go. Maybe I could go and pay for my own meal.

Dave: I would go no matter what.

Me: Yeah?

Dave: Yeah, but I'd be looking down my girlfriend's shirt and grabbing her ass, and pulling on her panties. She hates me for that.

Me: Ha. What? She hates you?

Dave: Yeah, she hates me for that shit but I do it on purpose. Last night when she was coming to bed I was sniffing her panties, y'know she left them on the floor before going to take a shower. I knew she was coming so that's why I did it. Then I put her underwear on my head - skid mark out..

Me: *snort*

Dave: And she's all like, "You're gross!"

Me: Ha!

Dave: So I'm running around the house with her underwear on my head - skidmark out - and the 14 and 15 year olds are laughing; their boyfriends are over. My girlfriend was all like, "You're gross!"

Me: She may have a point.