Dick In A Box

Me: Yeah, so I finally made those breaded chicken cutlets. 

Dave: How were they? 

Me: Oh they were so good. I have about 8 with me for lunch. 

Dave: Nice

Me: I have the leftover Rice-a-Roni too. I was slumming it.

Dave: I like Rice-a-Roni.

Me: Yeah I have cravings for it sometimes. I was home early enough yesterday to cook the chicken before leaving for school which was great because I don't cook after class - I'm just too exhausted then. I was supposed to make that meal the night before but as it came closer to cooking time I kept knocking off dishes because I didn't feel like making the effort. It's hard to get up the effort to cook for just myself. 

Dave: Why!? Is your wife out there again!?

Me: Yeah.

Dave: WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE DOING OUT THERE!!!?

Me: Uh,

Dave: I DON'T KNOW HOW THE FUCK YOU LIVE LIKE THAT!!. I just couldn't do it! I need to have sex EVERY DAY! 

Me: That's impressive for a man your age.

Dave: Heh heh heh heh. Yeah but I can't go a day without it. My girlfriend is now walking sideways away from me. She knows if she shows her ass, tits or crotch I'm gonna grab her. She won't even spend a day away because she knows I'll be off fucking anything that moves. Whenever she has her period she thinks I'm out cheating on her.... she's right.

Me: Awesome.

Dave: She's been holding out on me. I told her I was gonna fuck the cat if she didn't knock it off.

Me: *snort*

Dave: Now the cat is walking sideways away from me.

Me: Like a crab?

Dave: Heh heh heh, yeah, like a crab, heh heh heh. 

(Editor's note: the preceding conversation followed this exchange hours earlier)

................................

Dave: I'm texting with my girlfriend - I'm trying to get her to send me a picture of her box.

Me: Ah, her box to your inbox.

Dave: Ha ha ha ha, I never even thought of that, ha ha ha. Yeah she's all like, "I'm at work!" and I'm like, "Just shove the fucking phone down your snatch and take the fucking picture!"

Me: That's pretty classy.

Dave: Heh heh heh heh, I know, I'm a pig.

Me: Admitting it's the first step.

Dave: I can't help it. 

Me: You have a disease, damn it!

Dave: I do. 

Swiney Flu Was An Inside Job

Dave: Fuck! I knew I shouldn't have answered my phone.

Me: Why?

Dave: That was my girlfriend. Her daughter has hay fever wicked bad right, and when it gets bad she spikes a fever.

Me: Okay.

Dave: So at school today she spiked a fever to 101 but an hour later it was only 99. So they send her home because of the Swiney Flu.

Me: Okay.

Dave: My girlfriend was half-way to work when she had to turn around and get her daughter. All because of the fucking Swiney Flu. It's no worse than the regular flu.

Me: Okay.

Dave: They isolated the fucking kid. They kept her in a room by herself. The nurse wouldn't even go in without a mask and gloves. What the fuck is that? This whole fucking Swiney Flu thing isn't real. It's being made up by the media to get everyone in a panic and make money.

Me: The media is not your friend.

Dave: You got that right!

Oh No, A Mexican!

Me: Yeah, so Egypt ordered all of the pigs in the country to be slaughtered.

Dave: Why!?

Me: Because of the Swine Flu.

Dave: What does the Swine Flu have to do with pigs?

Me: Where do you think the name, "Swine Flu" comes from?

Dave: It doesn't come from pigs, it comes from Mexicans.

Me: No. It started in Mexico but from pigs.

Dave: No it didn't. It comes from Mexicans and they're going to start calling it the Mexican Flu so there's no more confusion.

Me: Oh really?

Dave: That's what I heard.