Dick In A Box

Me: Yeah, so I finally made those breaded chicken cutlets. 

Dave: How were they? 

Me: Oh they were so good. I have about 8 with me for lunch. 

Dave: Nice

Me: I have the leftover Rice-a-Roni too. I was slumming it.

Dave: I like Rice-a-Roni.

Me: Yeah I have cravings for it sometimes. I was home early enough yesterday to cook the chicken before leaving for school which was great because I don't cook after class - I'm just too exhausted then. I was supposed to make that meal the night before but as it came closer to cooking time I kept knocking off dishes because I didn't feel like making the effort. It's hard to get up the effort to cook for just myself. 

Dave: Why!? Is your wife out there again!?

Me: Yeah.

Dave: WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE DOING OUT THERE!!!?

Me: Uh,

Dave: I DON'T KNOW HOW THE FUCK YOU LIVE LIKE THAT!!. I just couldn't do it! I need to have sex EVERY DAY! 

Me: That's impressive for a man your age.

Dave: Heh heh heh heh. Yeah but I can't go a day without it. My girlfriend is now walking sideways away from me. She knows if she shows her ass, tits or crotch I'm gonna grab her. She won't even spend a day away because she knows I'll be off fucking anything that moves. Whenever she has her period she thinks I'm out cheating on her.... she's right.

Me: Awesome.

Dave: She's been holding out on me. I told her I was gonna fuck the cat if she didn't knock it off.

Me: *snort*

Dave: Now the cat is walking sideways away from me.

Me: Like a crab?

Dave: Heh heh heh, yeah, like a crab, heh heh heh. 

(Editor's note: the preceding conversation followed this exchange hours earlier)

................................

Dave: I'm texting with my girlfriend - I'm trying to get her to send me a picture of her box.

Me: Ah, her box to your inbox.

Dave: Ha ha ha ha, I never even thought of that, ha ha ha. Yeah she's all like, "I'm at work!" and I'm like, "Just shove the fucking phone down your snatch and take the fucking picture!"

Me: That's pretty classy.

Dave: Heh heh heh heh, I know, I'm a pig.

Me: Admitting it's the first step.

Dave: I can't help it. 

Me: You have a disease, damn it!

Dave: I do.