Saturday, May 23, 2009

Oh, Oh, I So Horny

Dave tells lots of stories. He tells the same story more than once if it's one of his favorites and the story usually changes each time in facts and conclusions. This is one of those stories he told me on Friday for at least the third time if not more. This time there were different facts but the conclusion and the quote remained the same. "I so horny" is the common thread along with Dave being turned off; this is the first time dates and tree stand entered the equation. 

Dave: So I was working out at the gym and there's this really hot blonde that's been talking to me. She's about 40.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: Yeah, I so want to fuck her. She told me her name but I already can't remember it. 

Me: I have that problem too. Just ask her again.

Dave: It's right on the tip of my tongue. It's... it's... fuck, I can't remember.

Me: Is it Claire?

Dave: No.

Me: You sure?

Dave: Yeah.

Me: Marie? It's gotta be Marie.

Dave: Hmm. No, that's not it either.

Me: Like I said, just ask her.

Dave: I'm gonna ask the gym manager. He knows everyone.

Me: There you go.

Dave: I used to work out at this other place and there was this hot Asian bitch there. She was Phillipino right. 

Me: Okay.

Dave: I so wanted to fuck her. So I take her out on a date - and this is when I started dating my girlfriend right - and I take her out to check on my tree stand. So we're out in the woods all alone and she says to me, "I. So. Hor-ney." Ha ha ha ha ha ha, I couldn't stop laughing. It was such a turn-off. I mean, I was totally turned-off. 

Me: Heh.

Dave: I was so, I don't know... turned off I guess. 

Me: Right.

Dave: So I took her out again - again, I was still dating my girlfriend - and we went dancing. She spent the whole night dancing with..

Me: Another guy?

Dave: No, fifteen other girls.

Me: Nice.

Dave: So I decided that this wasn't going to work out. 

Me: That's too bad.

Dave: So we went out again a third time. I took her out to dinner and a movie. And then I fucked her so hard! I fucked her sideways.

Me: Ooh, high score for difficulty.

Dave: Huh... So after I'm done I dump her ass... It turns out she's married! Ha ha ha ha.

Me: You two had a lot in common.

Dave: Not really. 

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