The Bleeding

Dave was talking on his phone and as usual he was talking on speaker phone. No such thing as a private discussion with him.

Dave: So, do you want to meet me for a drink around 4?

Dave's Girlfriend: I think that could work but, where are you now?

Dave: I'm at work.

Dave's Girlfriend: You're out of work now aren't you!? You always do this!

Me: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Dave: Ha, Sniffa's laughing at you!

Dave's Girlfriend: I'm on speaker phone!?

Dave: Yeah, why wouldn't you be?

Dave's Girlfriend: I'll talk to you later. *click*

Dave: See? Didn't I tell you how she is? She's got the bleeding this week so she's all worried that I'm out cheating on her.

Me: Ha ha, the bleeding!?

Dave: Yeah, her period. She thinks I'm going to be off fucking other women because she has her period.

Vasectomy Now!

Dave: Hey, so that 35 year old broad that everyone wants to date asked me out.

Me: Okay.

Dave: How about that huh?

Me: I.. guess.

Dave: She won't date anybody because she has kids but she asked me out. I'm thinking about throwing her a shot.

Me: Okay... What the fuck are you talking about?

Dave: The 35 year old. She's so fucking hot.

Me: Okay, is this someone you met at the gym?

Dave: Yeah! She doesn't want to date anyone because of her kids; they get all close to her boyfriends and shit and then they leave. I just want to fuck her and not meet her kids so that's not a problem.. I'm going to take take pictures too as a proof of purchase.

Me: Ha! Okay then. I'm at least sorta on your page now.

Dave: Yeah so I'm thinking of throwing her a shot but I don't know where to place it?

Me: Which hole?

Dave: Yeah..... I'm thinking her ass; maybe her mouth.

Me: *snort* Are you gonna go for it?

Dave: No, I love my girlfriend too much.

Me: I'm surprised.

Dave: She's riding the red wagon right now so she thinks I'm off cheating on her whenever I'm at work or at the gym or whatever.

Me: Well, does she have reason to think that?

Dave: No.

Me: How did you meet your girlfriend?

Dave: Yeah, yeah I was cheating on my wife with her but I was separated then - separated but living together.

Me: Holy shit! You guys were still living together then? I didn't know that.

Dave: Yeah but I just waited until she passed out all fucked up before doing anything.. I used to fuck her once she passed out; she didn't know. She'd take her oxycontin until she'd be a fucking retard and then I could stick it anywhere I wanted... her ear... her nostril.... anywhere I wanted.

Me: That's impressive.

Dave: Heh heh, yeah.

Oh, Oh, I So Horny

Dave tells lots of stories. He tells the same story more than once if it's one of his favorites and the story usually changes each time in facts and conclusions. This is one of those stories he told me on Friday for at least the third time if not more. This time there were different facts but the conclusion and the quote remained the same. "I so horny" is the common thread along with Dave being turned off; this is the first time dates and tree stand entered the equation. 

Dave: So I was working out at the gym and there's this really hot blonde that's been talking to me. She's about 40.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: Yeah, I so want to fuck her. She told me her name but I already can't remember it. 

Me: I have that problem too. Just ask her again.

Dave: It's right on the tip of my tongue. It's... it's... fuck, I can't remember.

Me: Is it Claire?

Dave: No.

Me: You sure?

Dave: Yeah.

Me: Marie? It's gotta be Marie.

Dave: Hmm. No, that's not it either.

Me: Like I said, just ask her.

Dave: I'm gonna ask the gym manager. He knows everyone.

Me: There you go.

Dave: I used to work out at this other place and there was this hot Asian bitch there. She was Phillipino right. 

Me: Okay.

Dave: I so wanted to fuck her. So I take her out on a date - and this is when I started dating my girlfriend right - and I take her out to check on my tree stand. So we're out in the woods all alone and she says to me, "I. So. Hor-ney." Ha ha ha ha ha ha, I couldn't stop laughing. It was such a turn-off. I mean, I was totally turned-off. 

Me: Heh.

Dave: I was so, I don't know... turned off I guess. 

Me: Right.

Dave: So I took her out again - again, I was still dating my girlfriend - and we went dancing. She spent the whole night dancing with..

Me: Another guy?

Dave: No, fifteen other girls.

Me: Nice.

Dave: So I decided that this wasn't going to work out. 

Me: That's too bad.

Dave: So we went out again a third time. I took her out to dinner and a movie. And then I fucked her so hard! I fucked her sideways.

Me: Ooh, high score for difficulty.

Dave: Huh... So after I'm done I dump her ass... It turns out she's married! Ha ha ha ha.

Me: You two had a lot in common.

Dave: Not really.