Dave on fire - 3/23/09

Today was a day rich with stupidity, offensiveness, and irony.

Dave gets to work today (almost an hour late) and the first words out of his mouth were:

Dave: I drowneded my phone.

Me: Huh?

Dave: I drowneded my phone. I did laundry this weekend and I left it in my pocket.

Me: That sucks.

Dave: Yeah. I dried it out for a day and I plugged it in and it kinda worked fine. But as soon as I unplugged it it stopped working so it's obviously the battery.

Me: That doesn't sound like it's just the battery if you sent it through the wash.

Dave: Well it worked while plugged in so it's just the battery.

We part ways as I go to pick up our coffees and then drive to meet Dave at our designated Dave parking space. I have him park near the highway so we don't have to return to Cambridge at the end of the day and extend my commute 1 hour +. Dave proceeds to show me his phone which is now in at least 8 pieces.

Dave: I had to total my phone.

Me: Why?

Dave: I have insurance for the phone so I want to bring it in for a new one.

Me: Really? Sending it through the wash wasn't enough to qualify for a replacement.

Dave: Well it works when it's plugged in so I didn't wanna take that chance.

Me: Makes sense.

Dave: Yeah.

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We were setting a granite bound today to mark a property corner which involves digging a 4.5' deep hole and then carefully placing a 210lb granite bound in the center and burying it. We had been digging for about 2 hours in tough circumstances (it took us all day to bury this one bound - we usually bang out 2-3 a day) and took a break in the van for heat, hydration and nourishment. There happened to be a state crew working next to us all day on the bridge above us and Dave asked me if they would be a problem with us smoking weed there. Then, the following conversation actually took place:

Dave: Do you think we'll get in trouble if we smoke weed here?

Me: Um, yeah. It's probably not a good idea. The foreman's all buddy buddy with us now and the wind is blowing that way. I could go for a ride.

Dave: What are you crazy!? We can't leave that hole open! Knowing my luck some dumb nigger will end up falling in it and dying. If that happens I'm breaking out the machete. Ha, ha, we'll cut him up into pieces and bury him with the bound... with his hand and his butt sticking out of the ground, ha ha ha ha. Here's your big, dumb, brown bound. Ha ha ha.

Me: *dead silence as I furiously text my wife what just came out of his mouth*

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A short time after our break we were paid a visit from the state employee who was in charge of the park we were setting the corner on. The official in the official looking state agency jacket gave us some crap about being on his property. He actually wasn't too bad aside from his self-importance and we hung out for a bit and shot the shit. He informed us that he got this gig because of his background in landscaping. Of course, I made fun of him when he left.

Me: Wow, a background in landscaping? That's impressive. There's only about 1 million illegal immigrants and day laborers with that same resume.

Dave: HA HA HA HA. I can't believe you just said that!? That's so wrong! HA HA HA HA.

Me: What?

Dave: Illegal immigrants! HA HA HA HA! That's just so wrong.

Me: You have such a strange sense of social mores.

Dave: Huh?

Me: Exactly

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Dave has a habit of reading out loud every single sign he sees. It annoys the piss out of me but without it, I would not have had this:

After passing an L.A. Fitness gym -

Dave: La fitness. Heh, it must be owned by some Spanish guy.

Me: *snort*