Kill More To Make More

We've been working nights on the highway and share work space with state workers doing their jobs including the light bulb changing crew.

Dave: Look at these guys. Imagine doing that every fucking night. Just changing light bulbs.

Me: They get paid really well for it. They also have an incredible pension - well, they used to before the economy went south. When the economy comes back it will be a great pension again.

Dave: It's never coming back.

Me: Why not?

Dave: Because, there's too many people. Someone needs to go the Hitler route again and take out half the population.

Me: What!

Dave: We need a new Hitler to trim the population or we'll never be prosperous again.

Me: Or Randal Flagg.

Dave: Huh?

Me: Okay, why do you think that we need to halve the population?

Dave: Because, there's too many people and not enough jobs. If we take out half of the population there will be plenty of jobs for everyone.

Me: Makes sense.

Dave: And no one cares anymore about having kids so the rest of the world is outpopulating us. When my parents were growing up everyone had five or six kids. When I was having kids you were supposed to have three. Now people will only have one and they wait until they're older to have it. Everyone's too self-absorbed now.

Me: So we have to take them out?

Dave: It's gonna happen. I think it's going to be us making our own poison or disease that does it for us.

Me: Like Aids?

Dave: Worse even. It's going to wipe out the planet. We won't be around to see it but it's gonna happen.

Me: So we won't be around to see the economy recover?

Dave: I don't know.

Of Fat Girls And Hummers

Me: Hey, today my wife went out on the porch to smoke and I joined her. So we're out there smoking and talking and she looks past me and starts pointing. I look and turn back to ask what's up. She points again and tells me to look.

Dave: Okay.

Me: Well I live across from the train station which has a 4 floor garage. The top floor is several feet below our floor so we have a full view of the uncovered garage roof.

Dave: Yeah, you told me that.

Me: And everyone thinks that no one will see them up there performing sex acts or urinating or breaking into cars.

Dave: Right.

Me: So there's this guy sitting on one side of the elevator room - it rises up almost a floor above the roof and everyone we ever see doing illegal acts always do it on this side of the elevator room because they think no one can see them.

Dave: I know what you're talking about.

Me: So he's sitting there with his back against the wall with his pants undone..

Dave: Heh, heh, heh, heh.

Me: And there she is going down on him. *pantomimes the blowjob*

Dave: He he he he, that reminds me of this time I took a bus down to New Jersey and this bitch was blowing me the whole way down.

Me: Oh yeah? Well they're going at it and we're sitting there watching it and my wife starts live-blogging it while I'm giving play by play. At some point the guy notices that I'm out on the porch and watching them and I make a big show of laughing.

Dave: Ha ha ha ha ha, that girl on the bus gave the best blowjob.

Me: Right, so the girl stops and gets up and starts putting on her shoes. I have no idea why she took her shoes off to give a blowjob on the roof of a garage.

Dave: Heh, heh, heh, that girl who blew me on the bus was wild.

Me: Okay, should I just stop talking now?

Dave: Why?

Me: So the guy is still sitting there holding his dick in his hands and I can tell by their body language what's going on. He's trying to get her to finish despite us watching.

Dave: Oh man, that was such a great ride. She sucked my cock for eight hours straight.

Me: Oh you couldn't cum? What happened?

Dave: Yeah I could! At least eight times.

Me: Yeah, so the girl covered up and the guy zipped up and they left. As they left I started clapping and the girl gave me the finger.

Dave: He, he, he, he, he.

Me: Where I live I see tons of great shit. However, the only other time I've seen anyone getting it on on the roof was a long time ago. I see people peeing in that exact same spot all of the time but sex is a rarity.

Dave: He, he.

Me: The only other time we saw sex, well, pseudo-sex - was this couple that obviously just met on the train.

Dave: Oh yeah, I've had those.

Me: Of course you have. So this couple was going at it in the same spot. It was fat girl in her twenties I'd guess, and a guy in his late thirties or early forties.

Dave: Was it a black guy?

Me: No.

Dave: That's too bad.

Me: Why? Never mind. So this guy looked like he had never had any experience with sex. He was all..

Dave: Fat girls are always the hardest to get into.

Me: Huh?

Dave: They have so many cracks that you don't know where to stick it in.

Me: You're supposed to roll them in flour right?

Dave: Heh, heh, yeah to find the wet spot. But even then you can't find their snatch.

Me: So this guy was kneeing her in the crotch and it was so awkward...

Dave: Fat girls are the worst.

Save It For Later

Dave: Yeah, so me and my girlfriend were at the bar down at the beach the other night.

Me: Oh yeah? That's good you got out.

Dave: Yeah, so this girl comes over at like 1:30 - and she's wicked drunk. I mean, she's like falling over - and she comes over and she's all hanging on my arm.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: And she's wicked cute too.

Me: Of course.

Dave: So the bouncer comes over and asks me if I want him to escort her out. I know the guy and I tell him she's fine, but then my girlfriend lurches across me to tell him to get her the fuck out of here so he takes her away.

Me: Aw, too bad.

Dave: But I go out on the beach to get some fresh air later right, and while I'm out there I hear some moaning. So I'm looking around to find out where it's coming from and I see it's that broad that got thrown out. She's face down in the sand passed out.

Me: I know where this is going.

Dave: He he, so I go over to where she is and she's all fucked up.

Me: Rough shape.

Dave: Yeah, so I pull out my dick. I'm gonna fuck this broad. She was cute.

Me: I know. You said that already.

Dave: So I'm standing over her when I hear, "Dave! Dave! What the fuck are you doing over there?" It's my girlfriend; she came looking for me. I told her I was taking a piss, "do you mind?"

Me: Smart.

Dave: Yeah, then she comes over and sees the drunk bitch there and says, "You were gonna fuck her weren't you!?"

Me: And you were.

Dave: Yeah but she didn't know that. I was gonna fuck her so hard. Stick it in her ear. Her mouth. I was gonna cum in her hair.

Me: That's called rape y'know.

Dave: Eh, not really.

A Teachable Moment?

Me: Hey, did you hear about that Boston cop that was suspended over the racist email?

Dave: No.

Me: Okay you know about the arrest of the professor in Cambridge right?

Dave: Yeah.

Me: Well this guy called him a, "banana eating jungle monkey."

Dave: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Me: He sent this in an email to a reporter for the Boston Globe and the fucking retard forwarded it to his colleagues in the police and his National Guard unit.

Dave: That's funny.

Me: He's going to lose his job over it.

Dave: That ain't right.

Me: Why?

Dave: Because that guy was just a pre-racist looking for a racial thing.

Me: Pre-racist? What the fuck is that?

Dave: How the fuck am I supposed to know!?

Me: *snort*

Dave: I just think the guy was out looking for something racial so he could start trouble.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: Dumb nigger.

Me: Oh dear.