A Teachable Moment

Radio: Obama, Gates, Crowley, Beer.

Dave: What do you think about that?

Me: About what?

Dave: About what Obama said?

Me: Oh, is this about the arrest in Cambridge? I wasn't paying attention.

Dave: Yeah. I think he was wrong for blaming the cops. That's just fucked up.

Me: He didn't blame the cops..

Dave: Yeah he did! He said they were wrong for arresting him.

Me: Oh really? He said that?

Dave: Well, something like that. Why the fuck did he even get involved!? He needs to do his fucking job!

Me: I like how at a press conference about health care the last question was about this case.

Dave: Oh he knew that question was coming.

Me: That's why he used the word, "stupidly" - he knew it would play well.

Dave: I don't know but that guy is just an asshole. The cop was just doing his job whether the guy was white or black or whatever.

Me: Are you black?

Dave: What the fuck does that have to do with anything.

Me: Look, I've seen enough outright racism and subtle racism by some police officers that it's not out of the realm. One time in college I was over a friend's house on a Friday night; we were going to watch movies, order pizza and smoke blunts. Cops busted in and they shook everyone down - they frisked them, asked for ID's, and checked them for warrants. I was the only person not even acknowledged much less frisked and berated and I was also the only white person in the room. And this was out in liberal, la-la Amherst.

Dave: What? You think they didn't search you because you're white?

Me: What do you think?

Dave: Look, I don't give a fuck what color you are. I don't judge people by their skin color.

Me: HA!!

I Got A Golden Ticket

TD BankNorth is changing their name to TD Bank and as such, the TD BankNorth Garden (the old Boston Garden, I mean Fleet Center) will be changing its name as well. To publicise the name change they were giving out 19,600 chocolate bars at the arena of which 5 contained golden tickets starting at noon today. Each ticket had an unbelievable prize with the grand prize being two tickets to every event at the Garden for the next two years.

Dave: Hey, did you hear that they're giving away chocolate bars with golden tickets?

Me: Yeah, they were talking about that on the radio but I still have no idea where to go to get one.

Dave: The big prize is free tickets to every show for 2009 and 2010.

Me: I know! That's awesome.

Dave: Every concert there you'd have free tickets.

Me: And Celtics and Bruins games.

Dave: Yeah. I'd sell all of the sports tickets on Ebay.

Me: Be careful with that. They may have a clause or something that you'll lose the tickets if you do that.

Dave: Okay then I'll do it all by cash only.

Me: Alright.

Dave: Oh man, with the luck I've been having this week on scratch tickets I know I'm going to get that golden ticket.

Me: "I've got a golden ticket!"

Dave: Heh, heh, heh.

Me: If I win I'm digging up Grandpa Joe's grave and bringing his corpse to every show.

Dave: You're gross.

Me: *snort*

Dave: Oh I can't wait. I'll take my girlfriend to all of the concerts.

Me: And the kids to the circus. The Ice Capades.

Dave: Oh that's right.

Me: And Monday Night Raw!

Dave: Oh my god! Those are all mine. You and me can go.

Me: Nice! Good looking out.

.....................................................

At 12:00 pm we left the job site in Chucktown to head to the Garden for our golden tickets. It was a very short ride but along the way Dave started yelling out his window to any car near us. I spent the whole ride giggling my ass off.

Dave: Stop following us, you're not getting our golden tickets!

Dave: The candy bars are all gone, go home!

Dave: You think you're gonna get my candy bar!? Fuck you! I'll fuck you up!

Dave: Oh, you think you're going to beat us to the candy bars!? Don't let him beat us to the candy bars!

Dave: Hey fatty, you don't need any chocolate!

As we crossed the bridge from Chucktown to the east end of the Garden we saw a huge crowd of people lining up from around the corner. Dave began yelling at them as we drove past and trying to avoid hitting douchebags that were walking in our lane.

Dave: Oh fuck. Is this the line?

Me: Holy shit! I wasn't expecting this.

Dave: Why the fuck weren't you? There's gotta be 100,000 people here.

Me: I just thought there'd be a few people in costumes handing out candybars.

Dave: The candy bars are all gone go home!

Dave: The candy bars are sold out your loss!

Dave: You guys are wasting your time the candy bars are all gone!

Dave: The line is back up over the bridge give up!

Dave: The line is miles long go home!

Dave: If you get the golden ticket I'm coming for you!

Dave: Hey, just pull over here and I'll cut in line.

Me: Really?

Dave: Yeah, who the fuck's gonna say anything to me? No one says anything to me because they know I'll fuck them up. And if that black dude (security guard) says anything I'll give him a dirty look.

We just maneuvered through the masses and headed back to the job site, giving up on our hopes and dreams.

Dave: Oh man, my girlfriend is going to be so upset. I was so planning on getting her those tickets.

(Editor's note: I totally fucked up. I drove over to the Garden (east end) at 11:30am to use their portapotties and then hang out for candy. Well the portapotties were gone and I had to really go so I turned around and headed back to the job site to use the doorinal. While there I decided to eat lunch and head back at noon. While at the Garden the first time there was no crowd and no indication of the candy bar promotion so I thought nothing of leaving. Had I traveled past the west end of the Garden I may have noticed that that was where the candy bars were happening and where the massive line would begin.)

Dave's Weekend In Laconia Part V

Dave: So this one year I brought this girl with me who was like way younger than me.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: Yeah and while we were there she invited me into this public shower place, y'know it's just all concrete and tile and a bunch of shower heads.

Me: Okay.

Dave: So I think she wants me to go in there so she can give me a blowjob..

Me: Obviously.

Dave: So I go in there and she has 6 other girls there with scrub brushes so they can all bathe me.

Me: Dear Penthouse.

Dave: Oh my god it was so incredible.

Me: Some of my buddies I grew up with used to go at least once a week or more down to the casinos and at least one would always win big and when they were done gambling they'd drive up to Cheaters, one of the best flesh bars..

Dave: Flesh what? What?

Me: Strip club. So they'd stop there and stay until they closed and then they'd go to an Asian massage parlor. Before the massage they'd undress you and then shower/bathe you. My buddy used to brag about it after every trip about how great it was to have your privates washed by a stranger, "especially a female."

Dave: Yeah it is.

Me: And for at least a $30 tip they got to have a hand job after the massage or whatever their kink was - price could go up, depending.

Dave: Nice! Well this girl was so fucking um, I guess, alternative. She could go up to any girl and say, "I want to lick your pussy," and every single one would agree to it.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: Yeah, she was good. If I saw her today I'd beat her fucking face in the fucking cunt.

Me: ......

Dave: .....

Me: Oooo kaaaay.

Dave: What?

Me: .....

Dave: .....

Me: Okay what the fuck, are you going to tell me why you'll beat her fucking face in?

Dave's Weekend In Laconia Part IV

Dave: So many of the guys I go up to Bike Week with aren't willing to take one for the team.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: Yeah any of the half-way decent women up there always have a fat fucking beast friend with them.

Me: Ah the old Better By Comparison maneuver.

Dave: Exactly. But they need to be distracted and separated from the hot girl so you can get your shot.

Me: Of course, the uglies aren't there for emotional support either y'know; they're there for action too.

Dave: Yeah but no one ever wants to take one for the team. I always end up doing it so my buddy can get lucky.

Me: Aw, you're a stand-up guy, Dave.

Dave: I know! And it's so weird because I'm always the one that's chatting up the girls and getting them interested in us.

Me: Yeah you're a regular Chatty Cathy. You talk up everyone we encounter.

Dave: Yeah, well I do all the work getting the girls partying with us he always ends up going home with the hot girl. I do good starting off but he's the a... a... a good, um..

Me: Closer? He can close the deal?

Dave: That's it!

Me: So you're like Josh Beckett and he's like Jonathon Papelbon?

Dave: Exactly.

Dave's Weekend In Laconia Part IV

Dave: So many of the guys I go up to Bike Week with aren't willing to take one for the team.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: Yeah any of the half-way decent women up there always a fat fucking beast friend with them.

Me: Ah the old Better By Comparison maneuver.

Dave: Exactly. But they need to be distracted and separated from the hot girl so you can get your shot.

Me: Of course, the uglies aren't there for emotional support either y'know; they're there for action too.

Dave: Yeah but no one ever wants to take one for the team. I always end up doing it so my buddy can get lucky.

Me: Aw, you're a stand-up guy, Dave.

Dave: I know! And it's so weird because I'm always the one that's chatting up the girls and getting them interested in us.

Me: Yeah you're a regular Chatty Cathy. You talk up everyone we encounter.

Dave: Yeah, well I do all the work getting the girls partying with us he always ends up going home with the hot girl. I do good starting off but he's the a... a... a good, um..

Me: Closer? He can close the deal?

Dave: That's it!

Me: So you're like Josh Beckett and he's like Jonathon Papelbon?

Dave: Exactly.