And That's One To Grow On

Dave: Unintelligible - that's so gay. Oh wait, I'm not supposed to say that.

Me: What?

Dave: "That's so gay." It's not... correct or something. You know that commercial telling kids that saying, "that's so gay," is wrong.

Me: It is wrong.

Dave: Why?

Me: Because it's offensive.

Dave: To who? Gay people?

Me: Yes, as well as their friends, family, and so on.

Dave: Why? It means happy.

Me: Oh, is that how you use it or how your kids use it?

Dave: No, you're right. Are you offended by it?

Me: Yes, I'm offended every time you say that.

Dave: Sorry.

Editor's note: Dave used that phrase more than usual after this conversation and made a big show of apologizing either before or after using it.

Outrage

Dave: So how was the movie?

Me: Oh it was great. The movie was called, "Outrage" and it was about outing closeted gay Republicans who vote against gay rights.

Dave: You watch, the WEIRDEST, FUCKING, MOVIES!!

Me: Heh.

Dave: Was it a documentary?

Me: Yeah! It was really good. It started out during the credits with the recording of the police interview of Senator Larry Craig who was busted trying to have sex in a public restroom.

Dave: I saw one of those once. It was about steroids.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: Yeah, it was really good so I bought it. I own it now.

Me: Cool.

Catholics........ FROM MARS!!!

Worker #3: So, our coworker is Catholic?

Me: Yeah he is.

Worker #3: When we were eating lunch on Friday he said, "I wonder what my wife made me for lunch. I hope she remembered not to put meat in my sandwich."

Me: His wife makes his lunch? How nice. Did he have meat?

Worker #3: No. He had peanut butter and jelly.

Me: When he got married he had to go on some Catholic retreat before they'd allow them to get married. I have to remember to tone down my anti-Catholic rants around him. The whole ritual thing is such a joke. Not eating meat on Fridays only during Lent? It used to be year round and the reason behind the eating fish is that the poor couldn't afford meat and had to eat fish. Fish is more expensive now so it's stupid. They're also supposed to fast on Fridays to show humility and empathy with the poor who can't afford to eat. It's lost its purpose and now it's just mindless robots following commands.

Dave: I consider myself a Catholic but I don't believe in god... or going to church.

Me: You don't believe in god? Why the fuck do you consider yourself a Catholic?

Dave: It's just the way I was raised. I only go to church for christmas and easter. I don't take communion or nothing.

Me: As you're not supposed to because you're divorced.

Dave: I know.

Me: And you don't believe in god?

Dave: I believe god was a martian.

Me: Ha!

Worker #3: Martian?

Me: Someone from Mars. An alien.

Worker #3: Oh, ok. Ha ha ha.

Dave: He walked on water. No human can walk on water.

Me: This reminds me of a joke.

Dave's Not Gay!

Friday, 4/10/09

We've been doing some back-breaking labor over the last few months digging bounds and as such, my muscles (arms especially) are getting big and defined.

Me: My muscles are getting really ripped doing this. My arms are getting bigger; more defined.

Dave: My main muscle is getting bigger, heh heh heh heh.

Me: *rolls eyes* What muscle is that?

Dave: This one! *tugs twice on his crotch* All veiny and bulging.

Me: Are you coming onto me?

Dave: NO!!

Me: Good.