Douchebag Lama

Me: Hey, you know the Dali Lama is in town?

Worker #3: Yeah he was down in Foxboro.

Me: Yeah and he was wearing a Patriots' hat.

Worker #3: I saw that.

Dave: WHO. THE FUCK. IS THAT? Douchebag Lama? Or whatever the fuck you just said.

Me: He's the leader of the world's Tibetan Buddhists.

Dave: Huh?

Me: He's also the leader of the Tibetan government in-exile.

Dave: Whatever the fuck that is.

Me: And China wants him dead.

Dave: Why?

Me: Because China likes killing people.

All The News That's Fit To Ignore

Dave: So are you gonna be sad when the Boston Globe shuts down?

Me: Yeah. I read it everyday. What the hell am I going to read in the bathroom now? I'm not gonna read the Herald.

Dave: I used to have a real problem with reading the newspaper. I had to get it every day and read it from front to back just like you.

Me: Oh, that's a problem?

Dave: Yeah it is. I was finally able to wean myself off and now I don't give a fuck what's going on.

Me: *snort*