Dave's Weekend In Laconia Part V

Dave: So this one year I brought this girl with me who was like way younger than me.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: Yeah and while we were there she invited me into this public shower place, y'know it's just all concrete and tile and a bunch of shower heads.

Me: Okay.

Dave: So I think she wants me to go in there so she can give me a blowjob..

Me: Obviously.

Dave: So I go in there and she has 6 other girls there with scrub brushes so they can all bathe me.

Me: Dear Penthouse.

Dave: Oh my god it was so incredible.

Me: Some of my buddies I grew up with used to go at least once a week or more down to the casinos and at least one would always win big and when they were done gambling they'd drive up to Cheaters, one of the best flesh bars..

Dave: Flesh what? What?

Me: Strip club. So they'd stop there and stay until they closed and then they'd go to an Asian massage parlor. Before the massage they'd undress you and then shower/bathe you. My buddy used to brag about it after every trip about how great it was to have your privates washed by a stranger, "especially a female."

Dave: Yeah it is.

Me: And for at least a $30 tip they got to have a hand job after the massage or whatever their kink was - price could go up, depending.

Dave: Nice! Well this girl was so fucking um, I guess, alternative. She could go up to any girl and say, "I want to lick your pussy," and every single one would agree to it.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: Yeah, she was good. If I saw her today I'd beat her fucking face in the fucking cunt.

Me: ......

Dave: .....

Me: Oooo kaaaay.

Dave: What?

Me: .....

Dave: .....

Me: Okay what the fuck, are you going to tell me why you'll beat her fucking face in?

Dave's Weekend In Laconia Part IV

Dave: So many of the guys I go up to Bike Week with aren't willing to take one for the team.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: Yeah any of the half-way decent women up there always have a fat fucking beast friend with them.

Me: Ah the old Better By Comparison maneuver.

Dave: Exactly. But they need to be distracted and separated from the hot girl so you can get your shot.

Me: Of course, the uglies aren't there for emotional support either y'know; they're there for action too.

Dave: Yeah but no one ever wants to take one for the team. I always end up doing it so my buddy can get lucky.

Me: Aw, you're a stand-up guy, Dave.

Dave: I know! And it's so weird because I'm always the one that's chatting up the girls and getting them interested in us.

Me: Yeah you're a regular Chatty Cathy. You talk up everyone we encounter.

Dave: Yeah, well I do all the work getting the girls partying with us he always ends up going home with the hot girl. I do good starting off but he's the a... a... a good, um..

Me: Closer? He can close the deal?

Dave: That's it!

Me: So you're like Josh Beckett and he's like Jonathon Papelbon?

Dave: Exactly.

Dave's Weekend In Laconia Part IV

Dave: So many of the guys I go up to Bike Week with aren't willing to take one for the team.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: Yeah any of the half-way decent women up there always a fat fucking beast friend with them.

Me: Ah the old Better By Comparison maneuver.

Dave: Exactly. But they need to be distracted and separated from the hot girl so you can get your shot.

Me: Of course, the uglies aren't there for emotional support either y'know; they're there for action too.

Dave: Yeah but no one ever wants to take one for the team. I always end up doing it so my buddy can get lucky.

Me: Aw, you're a stand-up guy, Dave.

Dave: I know! And it's so weird because I'm always the one that's chatting up the girls and getting them interested in us.

Me: Yeah you're a regular Chatty Cathy. You talk up everyone we encounter.

Dave: Yeah, well I do all the work getting the girls partying with us he always ends up going home with the hot girl. I do good starting off but he's the a... a... a good, um..

Me: Closer? He can close the deal?

Dave: That's it!

Me: So you're like Josh Beckett and he's like Jonathon Papelbon?

Dave: Exactly.

Dave's Weekend In Laconia Part III

Dave: While we were at the bar my buddy was getting a shoulder massage by some broad. He was really drunk and while she was massaging him he fell asleep. Well the bouncers came over to throw him out because he was too drunk.

Me: Oh yeah?

Dave: But he wasn't asleep because he was drunk; he was just relaxed because he was getting massaged.

Me: Okay.

Dave: I tried to talk the bouncers out of throwing him out but they didn't believe me. So we end up getting on the courtesy shuttle at about 10:30. It was a school bus and they had two maitre de's as you know, hostesses.

Me: Were they hot?

Dave: Oh, they were so fucking hot. As we drove down the main strip they had their bare asses hanging out the window and me and my buddy were hanging out the next windows slapping their asses. We were the only ones on the bus.

Me: Oh really?

Dave: Yeah and all of the people on the strip were taking pictures of us. I'd love to get one of those pictures.

Me: Me too.

Dave: They told us they wanted to meet up with us after they got off of work at 12:30 so we made plans to meet up at the bar we left.

Me: And?

Dave: We went back there at 12:30 but they never showed up.

Me: Did you really expect them to show up?

Dave: They seemed so interested.

Me: Is it possibly because they were paid to be interested?

Dave: Yeah, you're probably right.

...................

Dave: You know, most of the girls that go to bike week aren't that good looking.

Me: Except for the ones that are paid to be there?

Dave: Ha ha ha ha, I think you're right.

Dave's Weekend In Laconia Part II

Dave: Yeah, so I ended up with the fattest fucking broad in the bar and she had the most annoying laugh ever. It was all like, "hen, hen, hen, hen!"

Me: The Norah O'Donnell laugh.

Dave: Exactly.

(Editor's Note: Dave has no idea who Norah O'Donnell is.

Dave: But me and my buddy ended up hitting on these two broads that were about 20 years apart. One was 10 years younger than me - and she was all right; I'd fuck her - and the other was about 10 years older than me. She was like 60 or something.

Me: Were you digging up the grave?

Dave: No way, but she did whisper to me, "Have. You. Ever. Found the g-spot?"

Me: Heh, I'm sure she did.

Dave: I couldn't help but laugh in her face. We were hitting on them in the parking lot and they got in their car to leave and they left their pocket books on the rear bumper. My buddy ran after them to tell them about it but they weren't going anywhere since the line to get out of the parking lot was really long. So I walked up to the window with their purses and told them, "No, but I found your pocket books."

Dave's Weekend In Laconia Part I

Dave: Yeah so me and my buddies throw in $20 each - whoever gets the fattest chick wins the pot.

Me: No shit.

Dave: And my buddy got this big girl whose tits were 200 pounds. He was playing with them and digging his face in them. People were getting pictures. My other buddy got this real hot chick.

Me: Was she a big girl?

Dave: No.

Me: So he wasn't in the pool?

Dave: He was but he didn't care. I got this broad who was about 300 pounds. She was so fucking big.

Me: Did you win?

Dave: I did. The rules were that the woman you were with at 12:30 was your entrant. I won $100. She was so fucking huge! I was dancing with her and I couldn't get my arms around her.

Me: Nice.

Dave: So I paid for breakfast the next morning. It didn't cost me anything.

Me: Right.

Dave: We do that every year. We do a, "who can get the ugliest girl," or, "who can get the oldest broad," or, "who can get a girl with a scar on her face."